Nip Tats, Ear Brands, and Back Piercing

Coping with the Dangers of Tattooing, Body Piercing, and Branding by Beth Wilkinson (Rosen Publishing Group, 1998, ISBN: 0-8239-2717-2)

This book was written by: Beth Wilkinson, who enjoys “paper making, candy making, and getting to know people of all ages.”

What is in this book: A rational examination of everything you need to know before undergoing body modification. This includes a discussion of reasons for getting a tattoo such as being in love (p.94), religious considerations (p.96), body art addiction (p.92), the Holocaust (p.97), and peer pressure (p.91). ”There is a great deal of misinformation about body art,”(p.113) but this book offers rock-solid, indisputable facts. For example, in prison, “after the lights are out, cellmates frequently and sometimes painfully tattoo one another”(p.64).
Although “in modern Western cultures, tattoos have alternately been regarded as signs of chic and high fashion or as disgusting and crude practices by misfits and sailors,”(p.3) this book tracks body modification trends. “Recently, a magazine, written especially for people interested in body modification, issued a special edition dedicated to the art of branding”(p.4).

What is not in this book: Condemnation. Coping with the Dangers of Tattooing, Body Piercing, and Branding wants to provide you with all the information that you will need for a safe, hygienic, body-mutilating experience. “The business should be in a neat and clean studio – not in an apartment, a tent at a circus, a garage, a music festival, or a bike or motorcycle shop”(p.13). Also, “if an artist should insist that you remove more clothing than you feel you need to, he or she may not be the right artist for you”(p.12). It is especially important to remember that “criminals turning state’s evidence often ask that any identifying tattoos be removed”(p.68). Would you really want to be prevented from quitting a gang because you couldn’t bear to undergo the tattoo removal procedure?

Would you recommend this book to Warren Buffett? Yes. Even though “people who work in places from McDonald’s to Manhattan’s Wall Street have eyebrow, lip, tongue, cheek, and bellybutton piercings,”(p.3), he should be fully informed of his risks before accessorizing his “Thug Life” back tattoo with an eyebrow bolt.

Would you recommend this book to Kat Von D? Without reservation. I would also recommend that she get a decent wardrobe, a real job, and a name that doesn't manage to embody the worst aspects of bourgeoisie pretension and hipster irony at the same time.

What was interesting about this book? This book is one of a series on “Coping with” issues including interracial dating, confrontations with the police, teenage motherhood, compulsive eating, gay parents, and migraines and other headaches.

Stepfamilies: How They're Not Supposed to Love

Stepkids: A Survival Guide for Teenagers in Stepfamilies …and for stepparents doubtful of their own survival by Ann Getzoff and Carolyn McClenahan (Walker and Company, 1984, ISBN 0-8027-0757-2)

This book was written by: Ann Getzoff and Carolyn McClenahan, who are licensed marriage, family, and child therapists.

What is in this book: Frequent discussions about sex. Apparently, stepfamilies in 1984 were seething cauldrons of hormones and temptation, and the authors discuss how “a common problem for teenage stepbrothers and stepsisters is sexual attraction” (p.112); “Some stepmothers do behave in a seductive way with their stepsons”(p.127); and they discuss the dangers of “Mr. Hot Pants,” the type of stepfather who “comes on in a very sexy way with his stepdaughter”(p.73), although they acknowledge that “sometimes the girl has provoked the assault by parading around half dressed or acting in other sexy ways around her stepfather”(p.125). What makes these problems worse is that “when a teenager becomes sexually active, she usually doesn’t go backwards and stop having sex”(p.48).

What is not in this book: Instructions on how to build a shelter in the woods, how to start a fire without matches, or how to find water in the desert. Instead, this book addresses how to survive the fact that your stepparents “don’t have the same love feelings for you that your natural parent has”(p.36).

Would you recommend this book to Davy Jones, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, or Micky Dolenz? No, they have all gone on record stating that they are “not your stepping stone.”

Would you recommend this book to Ashton Kutcher? If I were Ashton, I’d spend less time worrying about my relationship with Rumer, Scout LaRue, and Tallulah Belle, and more time trying not to get Bruce Willis so pissed off that he feeds me my teeth.

What was interesting about this book? The hip lingo employed by the authors to connect with their audience. They discuss the importance of “hanging loose,”(p.9), what to do when your stepmother’s cooking makes you want to “barf”(p.37), and why “leveling”(p.151) with each other is essential. Note that the last term appears to be an effort to keep up with the slang that kids on the street are using these days and not an attempt at furthering a secret, pro-mason agenda. They also use the phrase “intact family”(p.2) to describe the opposite of step-families, presumably to soothe readers from broken families by using a term with no judgmental connotations.

Just ADD Romance

A.D.D. & Romance: Finding Fulfillment in Love, Sex, & Relationships by Jonathan Scott Halverstadt, MS (Taylor Publishing Company, 1998, ISBN 0-87833-209-X)

This book was written by: Jonathan Scott Halverstadt, MS, who states that “before I turned thirty […] I had already written my first book, earned my private pilot’s license, worked as a network announcer for NBC and CBS TV, been a ski instructor, written and produced award-winning advertising campaigns, performed in thousands of radio and TV commercials, been an executive editor of a magazine published in five languages, and had a re-occurring role on General Hospital”(p.2). Yes, he’s that Jonathan Scott Halverstadt, MS.

What is in this book: Sex tips for the short attention span. ADD is more than “the little girl who’s great on the soccer field – but has trouble with her schoolwork, talks constantly in class, and can’t seem to stop herself from sassing her teacher” (p.13). With adult ADD, “you often get someone who doesn’t follow through with commitments, gets bored with their mate, gets stuck in their thinking, and is disorganized, forgetful, routinely late, and argumentative”(p. 41-42). Halverstadt has advice for all aspects of their relationships, including “make love someplace new in the house, or somewhere outside. Of course, you’ll want to use caution so as not to offend or embarrass someone else. But there are plenty of open spaces out there”(p.160).

What is not in this book: A way to diagnose yourself as afflicted with ADD. “In order for there to be an actual diagnosis, you need to be evaluated by a clinician who can make such a diagnosis: a physician (M.D.), a psychiatrist (M.D.), a psychologist (Ph.D.), a licensed marriage and family counselor (L.M.F.C.C.), or a licensed clinical social worker (L.C.S.W.). These are the professionals who have the credentials to diagnose,”(p.43) unlike the author.

Would you recommend this book to a romantic? Yes, if only because of the “Fifty Ways to Keep Your Lover” section at the back of the book, which includes tips like “tell your lover a bedtime story [….] If you’ve got a lot of courage, act out the story as a play at the foot of the bed with you as the only actor,” and “together, volunteer to serve a Thanksgiving day meal at the local homeless shelter”(p.229).

Would you recommend this book to someone with ADD? They will find this book more interesting than a seminar on the fluctuating GDP of Aegean nations but less interesting than that website where you can watch videos of bugs fighting each other, which is funny because some of those bugs seem totally focused while other bugs get distracted much more easily, just like people with ADD, so all those reports about medication ending up back in the ocean via water treatment plants and getting absorbed into fish might end up being beneficial for the environment after all, since it seems like there are creatures at all levels of sentience that can use a little extra help maintaining their focus to be more productive–of course, while they could all use the medication, they might not all be able to read this book.

What was interesting about this book? “People with ADD have been among the most creative people in the history of humankind,”(p.168) “people with ADD can be extremely warm-hearted and empathetic beyond belief,”(p.170) “and “they’ve learned how to quickly figure out what other people are thinking or doing and what they need to do to take care of themselves”(p.171). The author can testify to the presence of these traits firsthand, because he has been diagnosed with ADD.

Book Review: Get Your Belief Off Welfare

Beliefworks: The Art of Living Your Dreams by Ray Dodd (Hampton Roads Publishing, 2006, ISBN 1-57174-472-X)

This book was written by: Ray Dodd, CEO of EverydayWisdom.us and BeliefWorks.net, who has written a book about “Magic. Real magic,”(p.xiii) inspired by the ancient teachings of the Toltec and the magic of the waterworks in the neighborhood where he grew up, which “took the power and wildness of water and tamed it, transforming it into something useful”(p.xiv).

What is in this book: Literally, the wisdom of the ancients, as learned by Mr. Dodd during a six-year apprenticeship in South America under Miguel Ruiz. He was introduced to these teachings—and to Ruiz—by “a smooth-talking charismatic Mexican named Luis”(p.xvi). Although “very few” of the things Luis told him “about the Toltec were supported by any archaeological or historical literature,” (p.xvii) and “much of their account is missing from historical or archaeological textbooks”(p.xxi), “many of this book's principles […] come directly from the ancient wisdom tradition of the Toltec”(p.xvi).

What is not in this book: Fuel for the engine of fear. You see, “Lance [Armstrong] was driven. Driven by an engine fueled with fear”(p.28) That’s because “what propels us forward is an inner engine composed of our ideas, concepts, beliefs, and personal agreements,”(p.29), which is also “an engine injected with your ideas, experiences, expectations, beliefs, and personal agreements”(p.120). “The fuel for that engine is either love or fear”(p.29). This book’s philosophy “embraces not-doing and the marriage of opposites”(p.94) to help readers “make decisions using an engine of love”(p.122).

Would you recommend this book to Eric Estrada? It’s complicated. “The Toltec […] had a vivid dreaming practice”(p.61). Eric Estrada is dreamy. I cannot prove that Eric Estrada is not a dream made real through the powers of the Toltec, but such a dream would not need this book.

Would you recommend this book to R. Kelly? I have held a grudge against R. Kelly ever since the “I Believe I Can Fly” incident, but thanks very much for bringing up those painful memories.

What was interesting about this book? Besides the Star Trek reference on page 110 that stretches across all of chapter 10, “The Prime Directive Is Not-Fear”? I would have to say the special, limited time offer that ran near the book’s original publication date. This special, 24-hour opportunity for buyers to receive “over 20 special BONUS gifts” was available for such a limited time that its web page has only been available from earlier-than-September 2006 through the present day.

Book Review: Marriage Secrets of the Catholic Church

Beginning Your Marriage: Ninth Edition by John L. Thomas, SJ, and revised by Joan McGuinness Wagner (ACTA Publications, 2002, ISBN 0-915388-24-3).

This book was written by: John L. Thomas, a Jesuit priest--widely regarded as the most qualified, authoritative profession in the field of marital experience--and it was revised by Joan McGuinness Wagner, former president of the national association of Catholic family life ministries.

What is in this book: An update of the original Beginning Your Marriage, which "was written years ago"(p.7). Pains have been taken to use more modern references and analogies. For example, "If you are truly in love, your love for each other will want to burst out of your relationship, like new wine in old wineskins, and overflow to all around you"(p.118). It also draws from recently released movies like City Slickers to share wisdom like Billy Crystal's character's view on adultery (p.27-28), because if there's anyone who can eloquently express the Catholic Church's feelings about the sanctity of marriage, it's a Hollywood Jew reading a film script.

What is not in this book: An endorsement of anti-Catholic frippery or other such nonsense. Billy Crystal's efforts notwithstanding, "the mockery of marriage made by Hollywood is pervasive"(p.32). It also has stern words for couples who are living together as "the most convenient way of having sex before marriage. They simply can't wait, even though they know that what they are doing is wrong"(p.43).

Would you recommend this book to Angelina Jolie? No, I would recommend she write her own book, Ending Someone Else's Marriage.

Would you recommend this book to Cole Porter? Yes, because I'm dying to work in a joke about "Beginning the Beguine."

What was interesting about this book: The way in which the Catholic viewpoint is consistently worked into all of the issues experienced in marriage. For example, couples are reminded that natural family planning "is natural, highly effective, inexpensive and medically safe"(p.99). And when it comes to tithing to the church, "It has been said, 'Give as if your marriage depends on it.' It does" (p.118).

Book Review: Remember Me?

The Memory Key: Unlock the Secrets to Remembering by Dr. Fiona McPherson (Career Press, 2000, ISBN 1-56414-470-4)

This book was written by: Dr. Fiona McPherson, who "has three degrees, all in psychology"(back cover). The back cover also states that Dr. McPherson suffered from postnatal memory loss which, according to her memory-loss website, "is a facetious rather than clinical diagnosis, although no less real for that." She is also an author of works of fiction, and reviews books at her author's website, www.fmmcpherson.com.

What is in this book: Ways to improve your memory so that you can become more successful and avoid embarassing social situations. Her exercises can help you when "you see a person you know--you remember that she belongs to your tennis club--but you cannot remember her name"(p.31). These exercises can also help you when you need assistance at other times, like when you have to remember the name of your chauffeur, broker, spouse, or child.

What is not in this book: Perfectionism. "Don't aim to remember everything. Focus on remembering what is important"(p.193). Although most memory-improvement strategies work, "very few people want to put an effort into making them work. That's not laziness, that's an appreciation of costs versus benefits"(p.10). This book can also help you realize that "you may be poor at remembering people's names, but perhaps you don't really care"(p.12). This book will help you "get into the habit (develop the skill) of asking yourself: Is this worth remembering? When you're reading the paper--"Do I want to remember this?" When your partner tells you something--"Do I need to remember this?" When you meet a new person--"Do I want to remember this person?""(p.193). Following the instructions laid out in this book will give you a better memory in no time, you uncaring bastard.

Would you recommend this book to stouthearted young men of fighting age from the year 1898? No, such men would do better to remember the Maine.

Would you recommend to someone suffering from memory loss? I'm sorry, what was the question again?

What was interesting about this book: Two things. First, the way that Dr. McPherson describes memory codes(p.77):

The memories in your head dance.
The codes in the spotlight do not therefore have to be sitting together in the theatre. Imagine them instead in a ballroom. The codes waltz around the dance floor. Here two couples are dancing close together, there two couples change partners. The spotlight moves, its very action bringing about changes in the dancers. "Quick," they say, hurrying over to get in the spotlight. In response to the dancers, the spotlight too changes. It thinks, "Oh, look at that arrangement," and it grows larger, more diffuse, to catch it all.

Also of interest are the suggested exercises to improve your memory, like trying to make up a story using items from a list you're trying to memorize. For example (p.70):

Here is a brief story to help memorize a shopping list of ten items (the items are capitalized): "the BREAD is full of JUICE. I will MILK it and wash the PAPER TOWEL off, then FISH for CORN, CHIP it into BEANS and STOCK up on ORANGES."

Although I tried to use this method to bring home some JUICY steaks for dinner, my ASSignment was a failure. I put a LARGE amount of effort into crafting a story, but came home with six pounds of chicken BREASTS.