Sealing Deals with Dudes

Closing the Deal: Two Married Guys Take You from Single Miss to Wedded Bliss by Richard Kirshenbaum and Daniel Rosenberg with cartoons by Marisa Acocella Marchetto (William Morrow, 2005, ISBN: 0-06-059009-2)

This book was written by: Richard Kirshenbaum, who is co-chairman of an advertising agency, and Daniel Rosenberg, who is a film studio executive and producer. They are "just regular guys who know what speaks to other regular guys"(p.x), because "our opinions have been formed by years in fraternities, locker rooms, and of course, bachelor parties, and we can say with some accuracy that we know what men are thinking"(p.113). They also point out that "the very fact that we're not therapists, relationship counselors, doctors, or women makes us uniquely eligible to share insights that really matter"(p.x).

This book was endorsed by: Hillary Swank, who says on the back cover that "I don't know how I ever closed the deal without Closing the Deal." Ms. Swank filed for divorce in 2006.

What is in this book: A battle marriage marketing plan. "Just as an architect has a blueprint or a writer has an outline, you can create your very own marriage marketing plan [...] We'll reveal the subtleties of marriage maneuvering, thus helping you to ultimately hone your marriage marketing skills"(p.21, emphasis the authors'). This may seem cold and calculating, but "the man you get into bed with, the guy you want to father your children is, when it comes to closing the deal, the Opponent"(p.22). "While you may think that our use of the word maneuvering indicates that we're advocating subterfuge, we're not"(p.27, emphasis the authors'), although they do warn that "if you have a reputation from your vast past sexual experiences and something catches up with you, remember the following three words: deny, deny, deny"(p.119, emphasis the authors'). Mr. Kirshenbaum and Mr. Rosenberg acknowledge that "marketing marriage and yourself isn't fun, but in some ways it's a necessary evil. Like big business, it's hard work and requires practiced finesse"(p.40). Luckily, you can start at any time. "Whether you've been together for a while or are just starting to date, it's never too late to micromanage how you relay any information"(p.107).

What is not in this book: Unnecessarily complex language. The authors keep the tone conversational, noting that if you're serious about finding a husband, "we need to spend time discussing your monthly hormonal hoedown"(p.73). They also try to see the bright side in every situation, like the way that men expect women to resemble their mothers as they age. "If your mother weighs in at 290, tell him how she goes up a bra size every few years"(p.37). And when it comes to grooming your private area, "these days not a lot of men are hunters and they don't seek out the heavy bush"(p.45).

Would you recommend this book to that single coworker of yours who is just a shade past her prime—will it keep her from becoming a crazy old cat lady? No, I would recommend that she stock up on TV dinners and slankets, because it's too late for her to avoid dying alone and unloved. If she's lucky, her body will be found before the cats have had much time to gnaw on it.

Would you recommend this book to George Clooney? I would, because his character, Dr. Doug Ross, is responsible for my misunderstanding of how easy it is to get married. Dr. Ross explicitly stated that the first date is when you get a kiss goodnight, the second is when you get invited inside, and the third is when you "close the deal." This book makes closing the deal seem much more complicated, but maybe everything is simpler when you're George Clooney.

What is interesting about this book? The Bizarro-universe logic that governs the male mind. In addition to thinking of your prospective groom as an opponent, a number of other rules of engagement that you should follow run counter to common sense. "It's always important to give him the impression that, like a stock, you're selling high"(p.29), but savvy traders dump a stock that is selling high.
Nowhere in this book is the chaotic, up-is-down, black-is-white logic of the male mind illustrated more clearly than in the chapter covering "the bluff." It's a bluff because it's "the act of breaking up with your boyfriend who won't commit, yet keeping the door open should he change his mind"(p.229). "We have to stress that this doesn't mean giving ultimatums. Ultimatums are aggressive and have a tendency to put men on the defensive"(p.139). However, "bluffing is different because it's pushing the negotiation to a head: Either you're getting married or you're out of there. And you have to mean it!"(p.133) It's important to understand that the bluff is not about whether or not you'll leave him—you will. The bluff is about whether you're worth fighting for. You may not be. "Nothing will be clearer to you if soon after your bluff the locksmith van pulls up as you load your suitcase into the cab: You didn't have a winning hand"(p.134).