November 18, 2009

The Peter Lewis Guide to Soliciting Charitable Donations

Are you trying to raise money for a pet project? Are your billionaire friends a bunch of tightwads who wouldn't donate a dollar bill to save their own kin from a firing squad? Getting them to give until it hurts is easy with the Peter Lewis Guide to Soliciting Charitable Donations, as described in Ralph Nader's Only the Super-Rich Can Save Us!

  • STEP 1: Spy on them. "I've got his net-worth details on my desk, and they show he's lying through his teeth."(p.206)

  • STEP 2: Quote Kid Rock lyrics to them. "Bruce, I was born at night but not last night"(p.206, baby).

  • STEP 3: Discuss their interests. "Last year you gave five million just to encourage Jews to marry Jews. What kind of country do you want their children to grow up in?"(p.207) A segregated one, obviously, so tailor your pitch accordingly.

  • STEP 4: Remind them that they can afford to pay. "You've had a bang-up year in commercial real estate, flat out and nonstop."(p.207) Since he's going to keep making money at that pace forever, he'll be more amenable to sharing some of it.

  • STEP 5: Smoothly return the conversation to whatever it was you were talking about. "Now, when do you want to have lunch?"(p.207)

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