The Great Controversy by Ellen G. White

The Great Controversy

THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN BY: Ellen G. White, one of the founders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church. It has been revised several times since she originally wrote it in 1858, and it is available for free online through several websites and is being mailed out by a number of evangelical projects. While this website assures me that they used "publicly available resources" to get my mailing address, it's a little creepy how they were able to use the special nickname I share with only my closest friends ("RESIDENT").

WHAT IS IN THIS BOOK: Ms. White's plea to return to the scriptures. "Men have been unwearied in their efforts to obscure the plain, simple meaning of the Scriptures, and to make them contradict their own testimony"(p.29), so she is helpfully including excerpts from the scriptures in her book to remind you how to live. Ms. White has chosen to share this message because "many ministers are teaching their people, and many professors and teachers are instructing their students, that the law of God has been changed or abrogated; and those who regard its requirements as still valid, to be literally obeyed, are thought to be deserving only of ridicule or contempt"(p.312). It's important to remember that the bible is serious business as you follow its literal instructions to throw rocks at gay people and not wear wool and linen at the same time.

WHAT IS NOT IN THIS BOOK: Any patience for those who would listen to "the representative of Satan  — the bishop of Rome" (p.18). Do you know what caused the French revolution? "That terrible outbreaking was but the legitimate result of Rome's suppression of the scriptures"(p.138). In fact, "If we desire to understand the determined cruelty of Satan... we have only to look at the history of Romanism"(p.305).  And throughout history, "as the ravenous beast is rendered more furious by the taste of blood, so the rage of the papists was kindled to greater intensity by the sufferings of their victims" (p.33). Ms. White's intolerance may seem surprising, but that's because most people are only familiar with the first part of Jesus' quote, "Love thy neighbor, unless he's Catholic, in which case the best you can do is hope that he converts to something less offensive, like Islam, maybe."

WOULD YOU RECOMMEND THIS BOOK TO A PHOENICIAN? Not unless I wanted to start a riot. Ms. White says some pretty hurtful things about them:

"The god of many professedly wise men, of philosophers, poets, politicians, journalists — the god of polished fashionable circles, of many colleges and universities, even of some theological institutions — is little better than Baal, the sun-god of Phoenicia" (p.312)

That's right, Baal-worshipers, she said journalists. Can you really just sit there passively when she's comparing you unfavorably to Wolf Blitzer?

WOULD YOU RECOMMEND THIS BOOK TO FRED CLARK OF SLACKTIVIST? No way. Not only does he already know about it, but he'd probably be a million times better at mocking it. Have you seen  what he did to the Left Behind series?

WHAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT THIS BOOK? Ellen White's bleak vision of what life would be like without Adventists around to show us what it means to heed the word of the Lord:

"Property would no longer be safe. Men would obtain their neighbor's possessions by violence, and the strongest would become richest. Life itself would not be respected. The marriage vow would no longer stand as a sacred bulwark to protect the family. He who had the power, would, if he desired, take his neighbor's wife by violence. The fifth commandment would be set aside with the fourth. Children would not shrink from taking the life of their parents if by so doing they could obtain the desire of their corrupt hearts. The civilized world would become a horde of robbers and assassins; and peace, rest, and happiness would be banished from the earth." (p.313)

It's chilling to imagine what the world would be like without them leading by example.

The Arrogance of Humanism

The Arrogance of Humanism

THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN BY: David Ehrenfeld, a professor of biology at Rutgers University who wants you to keep your logic and reason away from his emotion. Ehrenfeld feels that "the advocacy of logic at the expense of emotion can be carried to both absurd and evil extremes"(p.146), something that happens far too often in modern life. "Like a fat man in a tuxedo falling into a swimming pool, the result is often funny,"(p.148) but when we laugh, we risk overlooking some of its most grievous abuses. For example, "the Soviet dissenters are a brave and passionate group of people, and I cannot help but wonder whether they are being punished by the masters of reason for the undying and powerful quality of their emotion"(p.153).

WHAT IS IN THIS BOOK? An indictment of the creeping humanism that has infected all modern discourse. Humanism is "a supreme faith in human reason — its ability to confront and solve the many problems that humans face, its ability to rearrange both the world of Nature and the affairs of men and women so that human life will prosper"(p.5). Humanism sounds nice until you realize that "communism is at heart intensely humanistic, for it contains the central idea that rational planning can alter any pre-existing condition of man"(p.153). Furthermore, "Most totalitarian persons and regimes, of whatever label," and we are not naming names, Hitler, but we are certainly casting disapproving glances in your direction, "are strongly humanistic in some of their most important philosophic assumptions"(p.6).

WHAT IS NOT IN THIS BOOK? Sugar-coated facts or unreasonably optimistic projections. Ehrenfeld refuses to downplay the stranglehold that humanism has on modern society. "All public communications media are permeated with humanistic preachings all of the time. Business, economic theory, politics, and technology accept the teachings of humanism, entire"(p.4). Humanists have developed terrifying devices like the "bionic laser cane" (p.42), and their ranks are augmented by "international falcon thieves"(p.180). In the face of this adversary, Ehrenfeld admits "I have given no master plan for individual survival"(p.xi).

WOULD YOU RECOMMEND THIS BOOK TO AN ANTI-VACCINE CRUSADER? Certainly. They should identify with Ehrenfeld's argument that solving problems with applied reason only yields more problems. "Humanism to cure humanism! It is like bathing an infection in an extract of sewage"(p.252). It's time for us to stop meddling. For example, we should stop giving wheelchairs to the disabled, since they might use them to visit liquor stores and strip clubs. And AIDS patients, cancer sufferers, and parents who don't want to expose their children to diseases not seen since the Pilgrims should be ashamed of themselves for daring to imagine that their lives could be improved. Taking corrective action would only introduce problems to their lives, like planning a wedding, taking out a mortgage to buy a home, or seeing their children raise children of their own. 

WOULD YOU RECOMMEND THIS BOOK TO A BURNT-OUT FACULTY MEMBER WHO SNAPPED AFTER ONE TOO MANY RUN-INS WITH MICROMANAGING ADMINISTRATORS THAT ARE COMPLETELY UNVERSED IN HIS CHOSEN FIELD OF STUDY? No, I would recommend that they read Ehrenfeld's lecture to the New Economic Institute on the explosion of management. However, this book does contain plenty of venom for administrators, the "people whose job it is to manage and direct organizations. And these administrators, whatever they are doing, are not producing what Schumacher called the goods and services necessary to a becoming existence. They are a burden upon the real producers in society"(p.247). Administrators and their obsession with control are an evil that transcends ideology or conventional labels. "Organization is organization: it is neither socialist nor reactionary, religious nor secular — just distilled humanism. It is organization, not 'communism' or 'capitalism,' that is attempting to run the world, and a very bad job it is making of it"(p.253).

WHAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT THIS BOOK? The number of compelling, real-world examples of humanism's destructive influence that Ehrenfeld has drawn from sources such as Isaac Asimov's Foundation series, the E.M. Forster story "The Machine Stops," and H.G. Wells' "Food of the Gods," all highlighting ways that we have dared to tread in the domain of the almighty and toy with the powers of god.
According to Ehrenfeld, the tale of the Six Million Dollar Man is especially important. Unlike Prometheus, who was punished by the gods for attempting to improve mankind's existence, the scientists who rebuild Steve Austin suffer no divine retribution for their actions. The story reflects the fact that in our efforts to attain the powers of the gods, "now that the path to omnipotence is clear, we have discarded the superstitious guilt that was so much a part of the early days of the quest"(p.41).
These instances all highlight the "human tragedy" that is our inability to set aside things that give us power. "The first time I came across a description of this tragedy and was made to understand it was in J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings"(p.248).

SPECIAL AWARD: Bitterly Books is honoring David Ehrenfeld with the Room 101 Judo Award for Hitting Them Where They Live based on the rhetorical tactics he employs in his work.

The main goal of "the humanistic logic and power cult"(p.146) is to have us suppress or push aside our emotions and view everything in unfeeling, rational terms. And the best way to counter humanists is with rats. "Rats have an innate distrust of anything new in their environment. When this occurs in human beings it is called superstition or emotion"(p.133). These rat emotions are the key to opposing "reason and its servant, the scientific method"(p.148).

Claiming that the evils of the world can be fixed if we act more like rats is a bold move on Ehrenfeld's part; it's not the most inspiring mental image. However, readers who feel squeamish about becoming more ratlike are themselves possessed of — and responding with — emotion. The cold automatons who willingly put their revulsion aside to consider Ehrenfeld's arguments solely on their rational merits are the ones who will benefit from them the most.

_{The Arrogance of Humanism by David Ehrenfeld (Oxford University Press, 1978, ISBN: 0-19-502890-2)}

The God Delusion

God's Debris

(free, available online)

This book was written by: Scott Adams, the creator of the controversial "Dilbert" comic strip, an aspiring restaurateur, and an accomplished puppeteer.

What is in this book?
*bong noises*

There is something about eyes that supports God’s inevitable reassembly.(p.72)

*bong noises*

When we feel the warmth of sunlight, we are feeling the effect of increased probabilities and, therefore, increased activity of our skin cells, not the effect of photons striking our skin.(p.88)

*bong noises*

If, as you say, our minds are delusion generators, then we’re all like blind and deaf sea captains shouting orders into the universe and hoping it makes a difference. (p.121)

*impact noise*

What is not in this book? Action. Or much of anything else, really.

“Then you believe we can only know things that have been tested?” he asked.
“I’m not saying that.”
“Then you’re not saying anything, are you?”
It felt that way.(p.24)

Would you recommend this book to a chubby, singularity-worshipping transhumanist? No, because that would mean actually talking with one of them. However, parts of this book may resonate with them.

I will admit I’m not the life of any party. Whenever I try to inject something interesting into a conversation everyone gets quiet until someone changes the topic. I think I’m pretty interesting but no one else does. All of the popular people seem to babble about nothing, but I usually have something interesting to say. You’d think people would like that.(p.106)

Would you recommend this book to anyone? If I was cornered by a knife-wielding automaton of a human being who needed some kind of instruction manual for interactions with others—and he insisted that it had to be written by a cartoonist—I would suggest that he read pages 105-114, the chapter on "Relationships." And I'd feel terrible about myself afterwards.

What was interesting about this book? The entire book's 132-page argument can be summed up in one sentence: The only thing for an omnipotent god is to do is kill himself, so he must have succeeded and we are the thinking bits left over that work towards the singularity that will rebuild him (so buckle up).

"God’s reassembly requires people—living, healthy people," he said. "When you buckle your seat belt, you increase your chances of living. That is obeying probability. If you get drunk and drive without a seat belt, you are fighting probability."(p.99)

Dueserpenti Review: I Was Dreaming When I Wrote This, So Sue Me if I Go Too Fast

The following review was written by guest writer dueserpenti, freelance smartass.

Nostradamus 1999

This book was written by: Stephan Paulus, retired martial arts instructor, self-described Nostradamus hobbyist, and “the only author to explore the link between the prophesies and a battle-by-battle vision of World War III [, ...] connect Nostradamus' prophesies with Islamic end-time prophesies [, ...and] with prophesies from the Book of Revelation” (So sayeth the back flap). His other hobbies include organic gardening, aerobics, and home improvement.

What is in this book: Bad news. According to Nostradamus, a comet is going to hit the Earth in July of 1999. As if that wasn't bad enough, out of the ashes rises a pan-Islamic state led by the Madhi, The Antichrist, the Muslim Jesus, (yes, these are all separate people) and two Nostradamus bonus characters, the Man in the Blue Turban and the Man in the White Turban. Naturally, they're bent on world domination, but finally get defeated by a coalition of American, British, French, Russian, and Swiss forces after twenty-seven years of hard fighting. Having won the day for democracy, they appoint a Frenchman to be king of the world. At least Henry V ends up ruling the Earth with justice and wisdom for many years, establishing a dynasty that continues into the 22nd century and possibly beyond, although it's hard to be specific after that.

Mind you, it's no picnic before then, either. It's a good thing we have the expert guidance of Mr. Paulus to lead us through it. We probably could have guessed that “The year 1999, the seventh month,” (Century 10, Quatrain 72) in Nostradamus' work “should be interpreted [... as] the seventh month of the year 1999” (3). But when another quatrain refers to worldwide “plague, famine and death” (1:16) between the years 1994 and 1996, “That was close enough [...] that it may apply” (82).

Likewise, only Stephan Paulus knows how the Antichrist can simultaneously be from Russia (101), China (106), and Turkey (108). Nor is he afraid to challenge conventional wisdom in his field. While most Nostradamus scholars believe that mentions of “Libra” refer to the constellation of the same name, Paulus argues that “Libra can only be the United States. Libra is pictured [...] holding a scale [...] The same symbol is found [...] outside the Supreme Court building in Washington, D.C. Second, the Latin word for liberty is 'Libertas.' [...] Nostradamus uses the word 'Libra' here as an anagram [sic] of the Latin 'Libertas.' [....] the Statue of Liberty [...] was a gift from the French people” (217-18).

What is not in this book: Any confidence whatsoever in the prophesies of Nostradamus. Having spent 250 pages constructing a truly exhaustive history of the 21st century, the author includes an appendix in which he admits that, of those prophesies which have already passed their expiration date, “Nostradamus' final accuracy rate for his dated quatrains is one-and-a-half for seven, slightly over 21%” (256). Believe me, that number is more than generous. So is the conclusion he takes from it: “Nostradamus was wrong more often than he was right. Still, he was right at least part of the time [...] it probably will not occur, but what if it does? [...] There is simply too much to lose to assume he was wrong” (257).

Would you recommend this Book to Prince? No. He would be heartbroken to learn that in the future there is only one Prince. His name is Ogmios, son of Henry V, and he will ascend to the throne upon his father's death to rule with justice and wisdom (247).

Would you recommend this Book to a Meteorologist? Yes. Forecasting five centuries in advance is undoubtedly harder than five days, but that 21% success rate has still got to make the average weatherman feel pretty good about his own accuracy.

What is interesting about this book: The author's stoic resignation about the future, whatever it may hold. As he says in his final Author's Note, “Whether I am right or wrong, we are all going to die anyway, within a few short decades at most” (268). Now that's prophesy you can believe in.

_{Nostradamus 1999 by Stephan Paulus (Llewellyn Publications, 1996, ISBN: 978-1567185157)}

Have you chosen YOUR path?

Crossroads: The Teenage Girl's Guide to Emotional Wounds

This book was written by: Suzy Weibel, a youth minister, and Stephanie Smith, a Gotee recording artist. In case you were unaware that Ms. Smith was a Gotee recording artist, this information is provided on the front cover, the back cover, the title page, the introduction, and on pages 131-134, where she recounts how she met and signed a deal with TobyMac (the Christian hip-hop mogul, not the failed housing lender).

What is in this book: This 156-page book features almost 100 pages that Stephanie Smith may have written herself, or at least dictated to her co-author. Each chapter—or "track", as the book calls them—is titled after a track from Stephanie's debut album, following her struggles as she grows up without a father. Stephanie notes that "God has done a lot in my heart, but I still crave a daddy sometimes"(p.145).

In the "Choose Your Playlist" and "Your Song" sections of each chapter, Stephanie engages the reader directly with questions to think about and action steps to take before the "So You Want to Be a Rock Star?" sections "visit the stories of ordinary people who have found themselves at all kinds of crossroads"(p.10).

What is not in this book: The kind of shallow thinking one associates with young girls. Smith challenges her readers, giving them things to think about and not pulling any punches. "It is seriously tough out there in the world. I don't want to depress anybody right off the bat, but if you pay any attention at all, you know what I'm talking about"(p.12). That's right, "life usually doesn't work out as neatly as in our plans or dreams"(p.50). Smith also uses similes that her readers can relate to, like when "messages of rejection from my dad and from Chris affixed themselves to my brain like a stubborn piece of already-been-chewed gum to the underside of a school cafeteria table"(p.61), and she refrains from some of the angsty excesses of her contemporaries when describing emotionally loaded scenes, like when "the midnight hour found me crying an absolute river of brokenness, repentance, and confession on a spare bed at my mentor's house"(p.87). Most importantly, Smith is honest with herself and her readers. "I don't know that this is the most profound thought I've ever had, but I began to think, You know, it is only because I was born where I was that I've known the life I've known."(p.118)

Would you recommend this book to a fan of Britney Spears? No, it would be my sad obligation to inform them that this is not, in fact, the novelization of Ms. Spears' breathtaking, cinematic coming-of-age story.

Would you recommend this book to someone about to meet with the Reverend Mother? Yes. Observe:

"Sometimes when hurt blindsides us, we react like wounded animals. Feeling cornered and taken by surprise, it is only natural to want to take out our claws and put a good scratch on our attacker. But wait a minute. That's not how animals think. That's how humans think.
When an animal is wounded, it doesn't strike out with the intent to harm. I know that sounds crazy, but animals don't possess cognitive reasoning skills. An animal strikes out to create an escape route and hopefully to save its own life—not for revenge or justice"(p.50)

Now you are ready to face her Gom Jabbar.

Would you recommend this book to someone from outside of Pennsylvania? Never! This book reveals that Pennsylvania is not only the sanctuary that offers Smith's mother an escape from her abusive husband (p.30), but also the location of (cancer-curing) Hershey Medical Center (p.24), a Christian high school that saves a girl from "a messed-up future"(p.142), a church where a young mother on the wrong track manages to turn her life and marriage around (p.94), a bed and breakfast where a woman forgives her husband and gives their marriage another chance (p.108), and the Penn State Softball team (p.23). True, there's a farm in central Pennsylvania where some guy's dad is kind of a jerk (p.54), but the book illustrates how this magical state has spelled salvation for Stephanie and at least six others. Allowing this book to spread the word would be a disaster. We must protect our Shangri-la from the auslanders!

What was interesting about this book? Although you should see a counselor if you need serious mental help, "it is of utmost importance that counseling be based on the foundation of God's Word"(p.66) because secular counseling is inherently defective.
However, it may have been the choices offered by Ms. Smith that were most interesting, like the choice between "two coats I could put on as I stepped into this plan: God's 'better' or my own coat, the one named 'bitter.' Which coat are you going to wear?"(p.107) I know the answer to that one! Smith also asks "Are you willing to believe that God is who he says he is and that his promises of care and love and presence are true? Or are you going to believe you're stuck in a life that will never work out and that you have no choice but to be unhappy, bitter, and disconnected?"(p.10) I know how I'm going to answer that one, too!
So really this book—and God's love—is all about not being afraid to look within yourself to find the answers that God put there.



_{Crossroads: The Teenage Girl's Guide to Emotional Wounds by Gotee Recording Artist Stephane Smith & Suzy Weibel (Zondervan, 2008, ISBN: 978-0-310-28550-2)}

Guest Review by Dueserpenti: Lord of the Force

The following review was written by guest writer dueserpenti, freelance smartass.

Praise the Lord (of the Force)!

Christian Wisdom of the Jedi Masters

This book was written by: Dick Staub, award-winning radio personality and Jedi Christian.

What is in this book: Dick Staub knows what kids today are in to: evangelical Christianity. Just like everyone else, young people “...long for...a faith that is intellectually credible, spiritually vibrant...good, true, and beautiful.”(pg. 12). Unfortunately, “Ours is a superficial age, a culture defined by diversionary entertainment, mindless amusements, and characterless celebrity.” (pg. 65). The solution to this shallow, entertainment-obsessed way of life? A book that explains how Christianity is just like Star Wars.

What is not in this book: Explanations of how Christianity is just like Star Wars. Straight out of the gate, Staub runs into a problem: the two texts he plans to analogize have almost nothing in common. For instance, “[in] Jedi mythology the highest good is...balancing light and dark, whereas Christians believe the highest good is when darkness is defeated. In this Christian lore, the dark side is...an unequal opponent of God, the Lord of the Force.” (pg. 5). Most writers would get discouraged at having disproved the central thesis of their book so early, but not Dick Staub. When he has a point to make that can't be supported by a Star Wars reference, which is most of the time, he looks to other credible sources. These sources run the gamut from Christian thinkers like Thomas Merton (pg. 33) and Kierkegaard (pg 39) to Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu (pg. 19), REM front man Michael Stipe (pg. 56), conquistador Hernán Cortés (pg. 25), and “the Clannad song featured in the film The Last of the Mohicans...” (pg 46). When Staub is able to make references to Star Wars, they are, to put it mildly, rather terse, as when we are asked to recall the time Luke Skywalker said “The Force?” (pg. 8). This is probably for the best, for as the tiny print on the front of Christian Wisdom of the Jedi Masters tells us, “This book has not been approved, licensed, or sponsored by any entity or persons involved in the creation or productions of the Star Wars films and products.”

Would you recommend this book to a secret agent? Yes. The Jedi Christian has powers far beyond those of any regular cloak-and-dagger operative: “In the film The Bourne Identity, we learn that Jason Bourne has been trained to be aware of every detail as he enters a new situation. The [Jedi Christian] possesses these same powers of observation but is also sensitized to the underlying spiritual dynamics and nuance.” (pg 155).

Would you recommend this book to a wealthy hypochondriac? No. They would learn that they likely suffer from the dread disease known as “affluenza...a painful, contagious, socially transmitted condition...resulting from the dogged pursuit of more.” (218), and be inconsolable until you tell them where they can buy the cure.

What is interesting about this book: Evangelical Christians aren't famous for their tolerance, but Dick Staub is an exception, eager to borrow words of wisdom from any source, be it James Baldwin or Bruce Springsteen. Still, it takes big, brassy midichlorians to claim Christ is the one true way and then attempt to justify it with a quote from the Bhagavad-Gita. It's just like that one scene in Return of the Jedi where...wait, I guess it's not like that at all.

_{Christian Wisdom of the Jedi Masters by Dick Staub (John Wiley and Sons, 2005, ISBN: 978-0787978945)}

Satanism and Its Malcontents

Satanism: The Seduction of America's Youth by Bob Larson (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1989, ISBN: 978-0840730343)

This book was written by: Bob Larson, who writes that "as the host of America's most listened-to talk show for more than six years, I've encountered many kids who credit Satan as the inspiration for their outrageous conduct"(p.27). Those experiences are shared in this book because "I want you to understand the roots of this satanic system so you too can effectively combat its lures and lies"(p.31).

Together, we will expose evil from the seamy to the sinister. And we'll see why evil entices rather than repels. Most importantly, we'll understand how to lovingly rescue those who sell themselves to Satan and become the devil's disciples on an altar of sacrifice(p.21).

Bob Larson also battles demons on the internet, and he has set up a test you can take to rate whether you are at risk for demonic possession. It evaluates a number of factors, such as whether you have experienced life-changing trauma, whether you have asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something, and whether you are currently being or have ever been incested.

What is in this book: A wealth of information on Satanism and its adherents, like how you can spot them by the way they "dress in black, greet each other with the satanic salute [...], speak and write backwards, or organize secret meetings"(p.29), and one Satanist’s account of how “I identified myself by wearing my left shirtsleeve rolled up and keeping my left pinkie fingernail unclipped and painted black”(p.106). Larson includes “suggestions for parents and counselors who want to help youth resist these influences"(p.30) and alerts you to Satanic dangers you may not have been aware of. "You may meet someone who seems like a super friend who always has drugs available. He may be trying to draw you into Satanism"(p.89), like that Super Friends episode where a Satanist got Robin addicted to meth and tried to sacrifice the Wonder Twins to the dark lord.

What is not in this book: Delusional hysteria. Larson describes how Satanism is a very real threat, and confirms it with some of the stories that his callers tell him:

"I'm four months pregnant with my father's child. But it's not the first time," Pat went on. "I've had four other children by him. They were sacrificed in satanic ceremonies!"(p.69)

Pat is not the only one. "Women previously involved in satanic cults tell of becoming brides to Satan. Others claim they were inducted to become baby breeders, to conceive babies for sacrifice without birth or death records"(p.122). While Satanists are deceitful by their very nature, we know that their stories are true because they wouldn't dare violate the sanctity of a radio call-in show, especially when they have little to gain from lying.

Would you recommend this book to Satanists who are fans of Slayer?
Yes, because Larson shares valuable insight from his "once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go behind the scenes on a rock 'n' roll tour"(p.11) with Slayer. Slayer's fans seemed genuinely satanic, wearing "metal regalia [that] openly invited evil. There were thousands of jean jackets, backs emblazoned with demonic depictions: horned goat-man (baphomet) symbols of Satan, gruesome images of devils, and more upside-down crosses than a denizen of demons could concoct in a month"(p.13). However, the band was “pampered, bored, and anxious to get home"(p.16), traveling in a "glorified Winnebago [that] was somewhat luxurious, if contemporary K-Mart is your style"(p.15) and paying little obeisance to the Dark Lord when not on stage.

Would you recommend this book to Al Lewis? Absolutely. "Teenagers today grow up in a world saturated with satanic symbols and suggestions—black metal music, Dungeons & Dragons, horror movies, occult emblems, and diabolical paraphernalia"(p.27), and this is dangerous because "those who worship Satan get the idea through movies, books, music, videos, adult propaganda, or other avenues"(p.117). Grandpa Munster would be one of the first ones to tell you that it used to be different. “Classic fiction” was the inspiration for horror movies from back in the day (the sixties), but “today's movies and videos are more graphically sinister, concentrating on inescapable terror and ghastly revenge. The fixation is not on myth-making and storytelling, but on death and destruction."(p.67) Another one of Larson’s callers gives us a glimpse at what the world could be like if we went back to the classics:

' I saw a Vincent Price film. Some guy discovered another guy didn't like him. So he found some dogs, killed them, and made pudding out of them.[....] When I got home from seeing the movie, I got drunk and killed the family dog.'(p.62)

What was interesting about this book?
Larson’s book is a wake-up call for the forces of darkness because “barring themselves, Satanists believe the world is comprised of bumbling idiots. They develop the attitude that 'we' are the elite, 'they' the chumps"(p.192), but thanks to this book, we can finally prove that they are the chumps!
Additionally, "The devil’s disciples are mostly middle-class and white. [And] a high percentage are male because of the macho posturing required for blood-spilling rituals and acts of desecration"(p.105), but it turns out that Satan is kind of a pussy. "The defilement of children is important to Satanists. The more helpless the victim, the greater proof of their devotion to the devil"(p.125), so either Satan doesn't expect his disciples to actually exert themselves, or he's afraid of receiving sacrifices that might be able to kick his ass.

Crystal Healing (Not sexual healing, not Crystal Bernard)

Healing with Crystals by Pamela Chase and Jonathan Pawlik (Career Press, 2001, ISBN 1-56414-535-2)

This book was written by: Jonathan Pawlik, Pamela Chase, and the (uncredited) Crystal Devas. "Devas are the 'higher selves' for the kingdoms of Nature,"(p.12), and Jonathan channels them and includes their messages in the book. Although they only communicate twice in the first 140 pages, they get exceptionally chatty in Chapter 12, "Planetary Healing."

What is in this book: Instructions for owning and operating crystals, which are actually a lot like housepets. Pets that occasionally ask to be buried in dirt. "Crystals like to be stored in sunlight and open spaces. They like to be used and enjoyed"(p.34). You can ask your crystal questions about where it would be most comfortable: "Would you like to be on the window sill? By the bed? Etc."(p.51) and question it about its uses: "Shall I place you in my receiving hand, on my heart, on my third eye?"(p.51). Prolonged use will pollute and/or deplete your crystal's psychic energies, so you will periodically need to clean and recharge it. Luckily, your crystal will tell you whether it wants to be immersed in salt, rain, smoke, running water, your breath, or the earth (p.49). Sadly, as with pets, your relationship will eventually come to an end. That's when it's time to "ask the spiritual consciousness of the crystal whether its work with you has been completed [.... and] ask it what element (earth or water primarily) will be most beneficial for its internal balance, and take the crystal where it needs to go"(p.37). Fortunately, these partings are usually less messy and rarely involve a veterinary bill.
While you and your crystal are working together, you can apply the teachings from part two, "clearing out the blocked energy that impedes growth, infusing positive healing energies, and expanding spiritual awareness through contacting the higher self"(p.81).

What is not in this book: Ways to use crystals as weapons, which is an all-too-real possibility. Inhabitants of ancient Atlantis abused crystals in "battles for supremacy where specially constructed crystals were placed underground and activated with the sun in a special process"(p.28). This is accepted as fact because "there has been a lot of information channeled, or intuitively received, about the Atlantean civilization,"(p.27) and it has been further corroborated by the Goldblum/Lauper documentary, Vibes.
This book chooses to focus on more constructive crystal uses, such as healing energy imbalances and storing information. For example, a crystal under your pillow can help you remember your dreams. "Double-terminated crystals are nice for this purpose, and you maybe [sic] able to tape a small one to your third eye"(p.108).

Would you recommend this book to Beyoncé, Lil' Kim, or Missy Elliott? I'd have to think about it. I don’t know if Cristal Divas would be willing to take advice from Crystal Devas, but they may have a lot in common. The devas say "I have the ability to instill confidence and courage in all who choose to work with me"(p.142, channeled), which could just as easily have been said by one of the divas. Then again, it can also be attributed to spirits inhabiting wood, modeling clay, latex, and earwax.

Would you recommend this book to Billy Mays: No. Chase and Pawlik have designed the perfect vehicle for crystal sale tie-ins, but they lack the killer instinct of a true closer. "We could mention here that we were able to travel to Arkansas and buy clear quartz crystals at a time when they were much less expensive,"(p.129) but they don't.

What was interesting about this book? The illustrations.

Figure 10-1: This costs extra in Thailand

Figure 10-4: What not to do with the passed-out girl at the frat party

Age of Seduction

When Godly People Do Ungodly Things: Arming Yourself in the Age of Seduction by Beth Moore (B&H Publishing, 2002, ISBN: 978-0-8054-2465-2)

This book was written by: Beth Moore, founder of Living Proof Ministries. Moore admits that even though she began vocational ministry to serve God when she was eighteen, "I had already broken virtually every promise I made to Him by the time I was twenty!"(p.34) It turns out that temptation is "an intense encounter with the kingdom of hell," which she knows because "I am convinced it happened to me"(p.93). She's okay now, though, and writes that “I really am a pretty normal person”(p.xiv).

What is in this book: Three parts, starting with a warning that "Satan is heightening his attack on devout believers"(p.xii), moving to a discussion of methods to "fortify ourselves against Satan's full-scale attack on the lives of the elect"(p.xiii), and ending with a map of "the road home for one who has been deceived and seduced by the enemy into a season of ungodliness"(p.xiii). These three parts are relayed in a conversational tone using colorful metaphors including "we have doused the term afraid with our bottled water until it slips comfortably into sentences such as, 'I'm afraid the ball game might be rained out'"(p.3), "Try to visualize your Father's expression when you saddle up your beast of deception, jump on its back, and leave the safety of home"(p.282), "If I commit sexual sin, I have a much harder time dumping the garbage"(p.24), and "The lion is in the yard"(p.177). Note that the last term is not a euphemism for a lesbian sex act, despite how it reads in the following paragraph that describes a woman who "feels convinced and devastated by her sin [of lesbianism]"(p.178):

She hates herself, but she doesn't know how to fix it. She just tries to be as good as she can. She gets involved at church and does everything she can to stay busy. Then one day a woman joins her prayer group. Not just any woman. A woman in active bondage to homosexual sin. The rules change. The problem once confined to the mind has weakened the nails on several slats of the fence. She looks up and the lion is in the yard. (p.178)

What is not in this book? Conventional wisdom. If there's one thing I've learned from lifetime movies and cop dramas, it's that the "age of seduction" is 12-15 years old. That's the age at which a girl's abusive stepfather is most likely to scream at interrogating police officers that "she seduced me!" (Alternate scenarios involve the girl's vehemently-in-denial mother screaming that her husband was seduced by her no-good slut of a daughter.) It turns out that the "age of seduction" is actually the present day, where Satan is seducing the godly and "the casualties are growing in number by harrowing leaps and bounds"(p.7). In fact, now is especially dangerous because Satan has been increasing his efforts. "We are living in the time closer than ever before to the end events of Christian history"(p.8). Go back and read that sentence again. It's even more accurate on subsequent readings!

Would you recommend this book to the liberal demagogues who have seized the American news media to further their own agenda of godlessness and secular humanism? Goodness, no. This book contains too many metaphors that could be taken out of context, like “That woman needed to die and be put out of her misery” (p.96) or "Suppose we had a wicked president who knew he had already been defeated in the election and his removal from office was imminent. Can you imagine how he might wield and abuse his power in the little time he had left? On a mammoth, humanly incomprehensible scale, I belive that's what we're presently experiencing"(p.20) or "The Body of Christ is being sexually assaulted by the devil!"(p.31). Wait, that last one actually stands on its own pretty well—"The Body has got to be taught how to guard her virginity"(p.31).

Would you recommend this book to a judge from the Tri-State Chili Cook-Off? No, they need its more specialized cousin, When Godly People Make Ungodly Smells.

What was interesting about this book? There is no middle ground when it comes to sin. "Any sign of relating sexually to anyone besides our marriage partner signals a demonic scheme of seduction. I believe that includes any intrusion into the thought life or what the world calls the 'fantasy life'"(p.164). Of course, "Please don't think for a moment that all seduction is sexually oriented. Most assuredly it is not"(p.22). By these definitions, it turns out that I was also seduced into sin. Fortunately, "If sins have been committed against a church body or a group of people, forgiveness should be sought through a heartfelt confession of a general nature if the details are unedifying"(p.229). Now I can clear my conscience by addressing the Salvation Army for a moment: I am truly sorry for that thing I did in that place that one those seventeen recurring times. I think you know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, well, let's not wallow in the unedifying details.

Answer: Certainly Nothing Suspicious

What Is the Church Doing? by Henry P. Van Dusen (Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1943)

This book was written by: Henry Pitney Van Dusen, who served as trustee of a dozen institutions (including the Rockefeller Foundation, Vassar, Smith, and Princeton), appeared on the cover of TIME Magazine, and committed suicide by overdose of sleeping pills in 1975.

What is in this book: A chronicle of the church’s efforts to stand against the sweeping menace of the Third Reich. 1943 may have been dark times for Christians, but Van Dusen assures us that throughout history, “the Christian Movement has swept in ever wider circles and penetrated with ever deeper influence” (p.137). In fact, “An undeniable adjunct of Christian extension in each of its four most creative periods has been political conquest or penetration [….] almost always political penetration has in some measure prepared a setting for the Church’s evangelistic work”(p.145). The Church's political penetration, which allows its members to stand erect in the face of der Führer, will bring Fascism to its knees. Thanks to the Church's thorough penetration, “the forward movement, when again resumed, will carry the name and power of Christ farther and deeper than at any earlier time” (p.155).

What is not in this book: Pointless divisiveness. Despite the times, Christian churches across the globe are on a course which might lead “to the ultimate reunion of all principal Christian bodies outside the Church of Rome,” (p.96) and this book describes gatherings where the “congregations are truly ecumenical. All Christian denominations, except the Roman Catholic Church, and thirty different nationalities are here represented”(p.113). Even in the face of terror and oppression on a global scale, Christians of “every major Communion (except the Church of Rome) have been coming increasingly to think of their Churches as members of a World Community”(p.55).

Would you recommend this book to the digital underground? No, in spite of what you may have heard to the contrary, the Church is not interested in doin’ the humpty dance, no matter how urgently Humpty Hump repeats his entreaties.

Would you recommend this book to that guy who played “Lowell” on Wings? No, fans who want to keep abreast of what “the Church” is doing should keep an eye on the latest copy of People.

What was interesting about this book? A surprisingly keen insight into the way that the average man on the street thinks when considering what is the Church doing. “Not infrequently it is asked with a shrug of the shoulders and a slightly altered inflection which suggests its own answer, ‘What is the Church doing?’”(p.3). As true today as when it was written.

The Jesus Horoscopes

The Real Meaning of the Zodiac by D. James Kennedy, PhD (TCRM Publishing, 1989, ISBN 1929626142)

This book was written by: Nancy Britt, who compiled and edited sermons on the zodiac given by Dr. D. James Kennedy.

What is in this book: The truth about the night sky. “God has given a story of His salvation from which have come most of the ancient mythologies and ancient traditions”(p.12). It turns out that “the Mazzaroth--the signs of the zodiac—are brought forth each night by God,”(p.137, emphasis in original) specifically to show the Christian gospel.
“What God put in the stars is a glorious sky-painting of Jesus Christ as the Lord of Glory”(p.10). For example, the signs of Pisces and Capricorn show how “we have been transformed by Christ into new creatures in order that we might escape the death-dealing clutches of Satan”(p.70).
The book goes on to state that “the theory we are presenting is that God revealed that message to Adam and to his sons and grandsons and that message has gone into all of the civilizations of the world and has been passed down through the centuries”(p.13). This can be proven in the way that “the sphinx actually unlocks the mystery of the zodiac”(p.19). Dr. Kennedy is preaching the zodiac “to show the true origin of pagan mythologies as a distortion of God’s original revelation”(p.151). That’s right. The cave paintings, the Mayan calendar, Angkor Wat? Even the stuff built before Jesus is all about Jesus.

What is not in this book: Confusion and trickery. “The modern corruption of astrology expresses the idea that some mysterious, magical, and supernatural powers emanate from the houses of the zodiac, which affect and control destiny and lives. That is the lie of Satan which will destroy every soul that believes it”(p.10). The truth of the matter is that “the gospel in the stars is just another example of God’s original message being perverted by Satan and sinful men”(p.10), but “it is well that you have nothing to do with modern astrology whatsoever because of its corruption and satanic aspects”(p.13).
In fact, the corruption of astrology is even recognized by heathens, as “one secular physician stated that astrology makes people dependent. It weakens their character; it deprives them of their ability to make intelligent and rational choices”(p.140), but even so, “another company has astrological services located on the campuses of two thousand universities in this country. You see what our students are learning?”(p.139)
If we are to learn the truth about our lord and savior Jesus Christ, “we are to have nothing to do with this pagan corruption”(p.138). Dr. Kennedy’s book is a cleansing bath of lye upon the clogged drains of modern astrology, for “even now, just as they are trying to clean the dirt from the Sistine Chapel to find the original painting, so we can move away some of the incrustations of pagan myths and see the great truth that is behind the signs of the zodiac”(p.70).

Would you recommend this book to Tom Cullen from The Stand? Yes, if he is one of the deluded masses who have been told that the stars have influence over his life. “Astrologers try to justify this by saying that the moon influences the tides and it influences people’s emotions, which is absolutely true”(p.14). M-O-O-N, that spells influence. Laws, yes.

Would you recommend this book to a Hollywood studio executive? Probably not. There no pictures, and it is not the book version of the Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

What is interesting about this book: Its advice to counter cheap pick-up lines by spreading the word of the Lord. When someone asks about your sign, tell them that you were born twice. “This usually elicits the question: ‘Oh! What do you mean?’ That answer gives you a good entry into spiritual matters, and if you can’t be off and running with that, you don’t know much about sharing the Gospel”(p.138).

Book Review: Get Your Belief Off Welfare

Beliefworks: The Art of Living Your Dreams by Ray Dodd (Hampton Roads Publishing, 2006, ISBN 1-57174-472-X)

This book was written by: Ray Dodd, CEO of EverydayWisdom.us and BeliefWorks.net, who has written a book about “Magic. Real magic,”(p.xiii) inspired by the ancient teachings of the Toltec and the magic of the waterworks in the neighborhood where he grew up, which “took the power and wildness of water and tamed it, transforming it into something useful”(p.xiv).

What is in this book: Literally, the wisdom of the ancients, as learned by Mr. Dodd during a six-year apprenticeship in South America under Miguel Ruiz. He was introduced to these teachings—and to Ruiz—by “a smooth-talking charismatic Mexican named Luis”(p.xvi). Although “very few” of the things Luis told him “about the Toltec were supported by any archaeological or historical literature,” (p.xvii) and “much of their account is missing from historical or archaeological textbooks”(p.xxi), “many of this book's principles […] come directly from the ancient wisdom tradition of the Toltec”(p.xvi).

What is not in this book: Fuel for the engine of fear. You see, “Lance [Armstrong] was driven. Driven by an engine fueled with fear”(p.28) That’s because “what propels us forward is an inner engine composed of our ideas, concepts, beliefs, and personal agreements,”(p.29), which is also “an engine injected with your ideas, experiences, expectations, beliefs, and personal agreements”(p.120). “The fuel for that engine is either love or fear”(p.29). This book’s philosophy “embraces not-doing and the marriage of opposites”(p.94) to help readers “make decisions using an engine of love”(p.122).

Would you recommend this book to Eric Estrada? It’s complicated. “The Toltec […] had a vivid dreaming practice”(p.61). Eric Estrada is dreamy. I cannot prove that Eric Estrada is not a dream made real through the powers of the Toltec, but such a dream would not need this book.

Would you recommend this book to R. Kelly? I have held a grudge against R. Kelly ever since the “I Believe I Can Fly” incident, but thanks very much for bringing up those painful memories.

What was interesting about this book? Besides the Star Trek reference on page 110 that stretches across all of chapter 10, “The Prime Directive Is Not-Fear”? I would have to say the special, limited time offer that ran near the book’s original publication date. This special, 24-hour opportunity for buyers to receive “over 20 special BONUS gifts” was available for such a limited time that its web page has only been available from earlier-than-September 2006 through the present day.

Book Review: Marriage Secrets of the Catholic Church

Beginning Your Marriage: Ninth Edition by John L. Thomas, SJ, and revised by Joan McGuinness Wagner (ACTA Publications, 2002, ISBN 0-915388-24-3).

This book was written by: John L. Thomas, a Jesuit priest--widely regarded as the most qualified, authoritative profession in the field of marital experience--and it was revised by Joan McGuinness Wagner, former president of the national association of Catholic family life ministries.

What is in this book: An update of the original Beginning Your Marriage, which "was written years ago"(p.7). Pains have been taken to use more modern references and analogies. For example, "If you are truly in love, your love for each other will want to burst out of your relationship, like new wine in old wineskins, and overflow to all around you"(p.118). It also draws from recently released movies like City Slickers to share wisdom like Billy Crystal's character's view on adultery (p.27-28), because if there's anyone who can eloquently express the Catholic Church's feelings about the sanctity of marriage, it's a Hollywood Jew reading a film script.

What is not in this book: An endorsement of anti-Catholic frippery or other such nonsense. Billy Crystal's efforts notwithstanding, "the mockery of marriage made by Hollywood is pervasive"(p.32). It also has stern words for couples who are living together as "the most convenient way of having sex before marriage. They simply can't wait, even though they know that what they are doing is wrong"(p.43).

Would you recommend this book to Angelina Jolie? No, I would recommend she write her own book, Ending Someone Else's Marriage.

Would you recommend this book to Cole Porter? Yes, because I'm dying to work in a joke about "Beginning the Beguine."

What was interesting about this book: The way in which the Catholic viewpoint is consistently worked into all of the issues experienced in marriage. For example, couples are reminded that natural family planning "is natural, highly effective, inexpensive and medically safe"(p.99). And when it comes to tithing to the church, "It has been said, 'Give as if your marriage depends on it.' It does" (p.118).

Book Review: The Miracle Melon of Sir Francis Richard Burton

Miracles in the Storm: Talking to the Other Side with the New Technology of Spiritual Contact by Mark H. Macy (New American Library, 2001, ISBN 0-451-20471-9)

This book was written by Mark H. Macy, who is "a key figure in world Instrumental Transcommunication (ITC)--documenting the results of the most prolific receivers of ITC contacts, funding and organizing annual research seminars on both sides of the Atlantic, and opening the first enhanced ITC bridge in the States" (p.1). ITC is "the use of technology to get information directly from the worlds of spirit in the form of voices, images, and text"(p. ix). Macy and his colleagues have "worked alongside some of the most powerful forces of Light involved with our world, and they confronted various influences of negativity and darkness on both sides of the veil which nearly destroyed their valuable work"(p.1).

What is in this book: A first person account of the author's involvement with ITC research and his time spent with the International Network for Instrumental Transcommunication (INIT). He documents early ITC problems like "an impedance mismatch into that third transistor [....] that can be corrected by introducing a one-hundred-fifty-ohm, half-watt resistor in parallel with a point-double-oh-four-seven microfarad ceramic capacitor"(p. 16). Macy had wanted to publicize INIT's work on "a number of popular programs [in the United States] that handled spiritual subjects rather well, including "The Other Side," "Sightings," and "The Oprah Winfrey Show""(p.111), but "destructive forces generated by doubts, insecurities, fears, envy, resentment, and other negative feelings began to fester within INIT"(p.170). While he found INIT to be "like a luscious melon filled with rich, sweet miracles"(p.193), he was unsure whether those miracles would "be buried under the violence, pornography, and other debris of the times" (p.132).
It proved to be a rough time for Macy, who writes that "I suppose what saved our family was the fact that I could sense negative spirits in my life and in our home during that period. They were busy infesting us all, and I'd drawn them into our home with my chronic fears."(p.182)

What is not in book: Skepticism. "If I was skeptical," says Macy, "I would never have received any [paranormal] phone calls"(p.176). "When you believe something to be true, and you have the intent for it to happen, then that opens the doors to its happening. [...] One of the primary laws in the spirit worlds as well as on Earth is: Our thoughts and intentions create our reality."(p.176) This lack of skepticism did not impede his research because "the facilities that make ITC possible, and the energies that make it posible, are far beyond science. Science doesn't have the capability to really judge the validity of ITC yet"(p.178).

Would you recommend this book to MacGuyver? Are you kidding me? Machinery that contacts the dead? He built that in the second season using toothbrush bristles, chewing gum, a handful of paper clips, and half a pair of pants (the left half). This is nothing new to him.

Would you recommend this book to General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, Jr.? Stormin' Norman might have time to read this book since he's retired. Just because he can, that doesn't mean that he should. INIT studies have shown that the entities they contact "not only could read our minds, but could actually help shape them"(p.31). If you want to risk handing his specialized asskicking knowledge over to unknown forces from beyond, don't say I didn't warn you.

What is interesting about this book: Macy and his colleagues were provided with "images of exotic, kind, wise, and playful beings from other worlds [that] were planted on computer hard drives"(p.168) as well as a picture of a temple and a letter stating that "science fiction author Jules Verne had awakened in the temple after his death"(p.168). They also heard from "an African tribesman named Bwele M'Banga [who] sent a self-portrait and reported that his life on Earth had ended in the stomach of an African Lion"(p.169). One of the most active groups of correspondents called themselves the Timestream group, and included the explorer Sir Richard Francis Burton. As noted by author Michael Prescott, the timestream group's accounts of a world dominated by a single winding river mirrors the fictional novels written by Philip Jose Farmer. According to Prescott, Mark Macy does not have a problem with that.

Book Review: I'll love "Is"

The Isle of Is: A Guide to Awakening by Caroline Cottom and Thom Cronkhite (The Center Within, 2006, ISBN 978-982-98004-1-1)

This book was written by: Thom Cronkhite, who is a "medical intuitive and vibrational energy healer. [....] Apparently born "awakened," he experiences life as constant joy and peace, fully in the present"(p.189). His co-author, Caroline Cottom is the "published author of numerous articles, essays, short stories, and poetry,"(p.190). This book will no doubt be of interest to all of the readers that have been avidly tracking her career since her time spent as former director of the Nuclear Weapons Freeze Campaign and the U.S. Comprehensive Test Ban Coalition made her a household name.

What is in this book: A heaping pile of metaphor, fat stacks of allegory, and dripping puddles of symbolism. This book seeks to take "wisdom that humans have known about for a very long time," (p.9) and to present in the story of a journey that will assist the reader in "uncovering that state of being where peace and joy already exist, throughout time and space" (p.10). The journey involves a boat, a swamp, a mountain, and some talking gnomes.
This book also contains a series of writing exercises. The narrator is given a pen (which "shall be your Wand") and an inkwell (signifying "The Well, which is the silence within") on page 16. The reader is instructed to "take the Wand" or "go to the Well" at various times to answer questions like:

"What is one thing in your life that you can't imagine being grateful for?" (p.35)
"What distractions do I use when I don't wish to feel my feelings. And what feelings am I hoping not to feel?" (p.106)
"What stories, songs, fairytales, or movies did you resonate with as a young person?" (p.127)

Since these tools have been given to the reader metaphorically, the writing exercises can also be done metaphorically, which saves a lot of time. (However, for those keeping score at home, the correct answers in no particular order are: gout, arson/jealousy, and Hudson Hawk.)

What is not in this book? Conceit. "The narrator refers to him or herself as "we" because the word "I" solidifies the ego, whereas the word "we" removes us from the egoic bond"(p.181). It is a bold move that could have alienated the reader and ended up sounding like a schizophrenic quoting Faulkner on a bad day, but has been completely vindicated by passages like "We are wearing the captain's hat, and Is-is sits on our shoulder!" (p.176).

Would you recommend this book to Steven Seagal? Yes, he can use a break from the isle of has-been.

Would you recommend this book to Pathmark customers? No. They already know that to "Go fresh, go local," they should search the aisles, not the isles.

What was interesting about this book? The book comes with an audio version on CD, which is perfect for people who want to awaken themselves so that they can live in a place where they no longer value their material possessions and the crude distractions of popular entertainment.

Book Review: Creating (Non-Fatal) Attraction(s)

Creation through Attraction: A Six Step Process to Manifestation Using The Power Of Your Feelings. by Lea Pharoah, D.C. (Lea Pharoah, 1996, ISBN 0-9586538-0-1)

This book was written by: Lea Pharoah, a twice-divorced chiropractor who wrote the manuscript in "an intense period of four weeks" (p.66)

What is in this book: Lea's six-step process for manifesting changes in your life. While it is accompanied by personal stories for inspiriation, it is "not a book to be read as a novel" (p.70). The personal stories are also not to be considered as filler to pad out the length of the work. One can consider the frequent section breaks and large amounts of white space on each page as filler to pad out the length of the book.

What is not in this book: A dismissal of subjects considered as beneath one's concern; nothing is too small to justify being fixed by affirmations and attractions. For example, one can use the following affirmation to attract better carpets:
"I am thrilled with my ability to attract warm floor coverings into my home, for the good of all concerned." (p.60)

Would you recommend this book to fans of Hannah Montana? No, any competent OB/GYN will tell you that high school students already know too much about how mutual attraction can lead to creation. Also, the last thing we need is creepy old perverts finding more successful ways to attract underage girls into their secret torture pens.

Would you recommend this book to man with a stainless steel hook for a hand? This book won't help him grow another hand, if that's what you're asking. However, it does stand a chance of convincing him that losing his hand was something that was supposed to happen to him, and that he just needs to realize that he is better off without it so that good things start happening to him again.

What was interesting about this book? It originally ended on page 91, announcing that the author "had finally achieved the relationship of my dreams, this referring to my second husband, Stevan" (p.92). However, in the eighteen months after the original completion of the manuscript, an additional four pages were written and inserted into the book, numbered 92 through 95. In them the author states that while that dream relationship has ended in divorce, it was because her parents had given her an unhappy childhood, but she has chosen to "move out of the state of being a victim to our circumstances into a new state of control and re-creation of our present and our future"(p.94-95).

Book Review: Malfunction-Free Wardrobes

Wear Your Own Skin! Attitude 'n' Humor from Edd Gibbs Rose by Edd Gibbs Rose (Wisdom Culture Creations, 2003, ISBN 0-9745414-0-0).

This book was written by: Edd Gibbs Rose, who describes his adventures living in and around the greater Salt Lake city area with a "family of eight" (p.11), including "six pivotal, dynamic animal characters based directly on the lives of real domestic pets. [...] All of these fine animals were (or are) so vibrant and talented that even basic descriptions [...] pack poignancy and edge" (p.8). To some extent, this book describes his work towards the "complete integration of his non traditional family into the larger society surrounding them and him" (p.10). Mr. Rose also states that he has not counted himself in the "tiny readership" interested in the works of Aleister Crowley "for close to two decades" (p.91).

What is in this book: Social commentary and observations interwoven with narrative stories, including 52 pages about how animals can help us after September 11. This may seem impractical at first, as cats have difficulty manning anti-aircraft guns, dogs are reluctant to shoot down passenger jets full of civilians, and trained monkeys are terrible at running security screenings, even if they have been handling baggage in our airports for years. However, Mr. Rose feels that "animals, wildlife and domestic, are uniquely qualified to help us open our hearts"(p.9).

What is not in this book: The stern hand of an overbearing editor. While editorial changes are presumed to have been made, the tangents, segues, and offshoots of Edd's wisdom and societal observations have survived intact.

Would you recommend this book to Bob Barker? I see no reason not to, provided that I had a chance to hide my mink bathrobe first.

Would you recommend this book to Larry Flynt? Yes. If he was comfortable wearing his own skin, he might stop obsessively publishing photographs of the skins of others.

What was interesting about this book?
Mr. Rose has squandered an opportunity to speak out against serial killers who kill and wear the skins of their victims. He does use the opportunity to talk about values, since "after September 11th,[...] "wearing one's own skin" now meant "getting real" abut just what real values really are in a freedom-loving country and modern world ultimately validated only by its popular and literate culture(s) and traditions" (p.7). He also stresses the importance of personal improvement, because "When a person builds a foundation in their life for sustained fulfillment based on the fulfillment of important aspirations and personal improvements, happiness will be a likely bi-product [sic]"(p.185).

Book Review: Magic—It's Not Just for Women Anymore

Intuition Magic: Understanding Your Psychic Nature by Linda Keen (Hampton Roads Publishing, 1998, ISBN: 1-57174-112-7)

This book was written by: Linda Keen, who is the founder of the School of Intuitive Development in the Netherlands ("Mens en Intuïtie) who was living in a "household of Irish musicians"(p.24) when she encountered the teachers who would help her "unlock the magical inner power that enables us to sense, enjoy, and learn from the immaterial but infinitely fantastic part of our universe"(p.13).
While Ms. Keen writes that she has "risked... ridicule by discussing my communication with spiritual beings on national radio and television,"(p.13) it should be clarified that spiritual beings are not communicating with her through her appliances, but that she is going to these media outlets to discuss communications that she has experienced in more traditional venues.

What is in this book: Ms. Keen has written this book "as a road map to assist the inward-venturing seeker within this immaterial world of intuition and spirituality"(p.13). Previously, she had been frustrated in her own spiritual quest when she researched Eastern spiritual texts and realized that "as soon as this information had been written down, intellectualized, and translated into Western concepts, it had lost most of its power to teach" (p.15).
The first half of the book follows Linda's journey through school, as she learns how to summon a child "to jump somewhere into your body, wherever it feels the most appropriate," (p.49), and uses "a rose symbol" to "stay clear and safe by serving as a psychic buffer,"(p. 51) dealing with her alcoholic boyfriend at home. The second part is an "intuition magic workshop," where Linda offers practical instructions for those interested in learning, like her steps to rid onself of fears by envisioning them as a series of pictures alongside a rose. "Place one picture at a time inside the rose and allow the whole thing to explode." (p.106)

What is not in this book: Excessive femininity. The word "intuition" and the blossoming rose on the cover may not evoke images of masculinity, but readers will soon be manifesting pink forgiveness clouds (p.116), embracing their spirit guides after inviting them to appear via "large, exquisite rainbow" staircases (p.161), and learning to "finish by bending over" (p.158).

Would you recommend this book to Tom Jones? There's already magic in the way Tom lights my way and satisfies my soul.

Would you recommend this book to Gandalf the Gray, or possibly Gandalf the White? Gandalf is a fictional character.

What was interesting about this book? "Each time the vibration of your spirit is raised through a learning process, the physical body must follow suit and make accommodations for the important inner changes. When you experience an intense period of growth, you may come down with a cold or some other minor illness." (p.123) You can deal with these illnesses by asking them to appear to you in the form of an animal, and speaking with it about the reasons why it has chosen to manifest. "The animal can also give you very practical advice about the physical aspects of treatment, including your need to see a doctor, naturopath, or spiritual healer (p.124).

Book Review: The Thundering

First Thunder: An Adventure of Discovery, by MSI (Society for Acension, 1996, ISBN 0-931783-07-0)

This book was written by: MSI, who, according to the last page of the book, "personally trains teachers of the seven spheres described in his books. He presently resides at the Society for Acension's academy in the Great Smoky Mountains in North Carolina." He also writes in the introduction to Second Thunder that "I am an Unbounded Being. Living in a human body, I experience the Ascendant continually, twenty-four hours a day." At the time of the book's publication, MSI was willing to teach seminars on Ascending in exchange for a reasonable fee.

What is in this book: "a Teaching founded by Christ and his beloved Disciple John, a precious knowledge with enough power to transform the Earth within a single generation" (p.28). However, First Thunder lays out this teaching in a first-person narrative, where an everyman with "no fondness for cults or anti-Christian practices" (p.11), who admits that the sight of a parked Acura makes him "irritated at my poverty and chain of failures,"(p.20) finds out that his friend Ollie "has been studying and Ascending with a group of monks who belive they are following the true but hidden teachings of John--and of Christ" (p.11).
Ollie meets a violent death--struck by a car--and the narrator travels to the Ishaya monastery with a love interest and an academic doctor, where the three of them learn that a group of monks "wanted to keep [the teaching of Acension] a secret for monks only; they belive it's too good for average people and belongs only to those who give up all worldly desires and dedicate their lives completely to God." (p.24) The three of them and the monks struggle with the decision to make this knowledge "from the Apostle John" (p.76) available to the public.

What is not in this book: Tables, charts, or easy-to-read lists of the Seven Spheres. This is because in a conversation with Boanerge, Son of Thunder, the narrator learns that "a 'how-to' manual simply wouldn't work in today's world" (p.239). Also, "there'd be a lot of superficial people, just skimming through the pages, not trying the techniques to see if they worked. And, once you'd printed the Attitudes, they'd become public knowledge, there'd be no more confidentiality."(p.238-239)
This is a bold choice, as a dialogue between the everyman, the love interest, and the embodiment of modern scholastic knowledge exploring the teachings that are "most assuredly" from the Apostle John (p.73) could be insightful and enlightening in the hands of a skilled author. However, they risk coming across as repetitive and leaden, with little to break up the pages and pages of discussion if laid out in the inept prose of someone just pushing an agenda.

Would you recommend this book to Lion-O? Possibly, but he would need at least need a "Cats - HO!" and preferably two more instances of thunder if he wanted to get serious about activating the Eye of Thundera in the Sword of Omens to rally the other Thundercats.

Would you recommend this book to Hulk Hogan? Maybe. These meditations are supposed to bring about paradise on earth, but it is unclear as to whether that paradise contains a bitchin' high-tech boat.

What is interesting about this book: The factual liberties taken by the author "to enable those who prefer to belive this book is just a novel to be able to do so easily" (afterword). These include Ollie's death, an explosion in Skala harbor, and the deaths of 105 of the Ishaya monks during the India-Pakistan war. They also help to tone down the electrifying and potentially controversial nature of the Seven Spheres Teachings, which would be completely riveting if separated out on their own:

"Use Cognition after each repetition of each of the Attitudes. Praise Attitude, Cognition; Praise Attitude, Cognition; Praise Attitude, Cognition. Then Gratitude, Cognition; Gratitude, Cognition; Gratitude, Cognition. Then Love, Cognition; Love, Cognition; Love, Cognition. Like that." (p.274-275)

Book Review: No Soul Hurricanes Here

The Call of Spiritual Emergency: From Personal Crisis to Personal Transformation-How to deal with the disorientation that can accompany death, illness, injury, childbirth, drug experiences, sex, meditation, and all life-transforming experiences by Emma Bragdon, PhD (Harper & Row, 1990, 0-06-250104-6)

This book was written by Emma Bragdon, who states that she does not fear death because she knows that it "would be a passageway into the ultimate peace that [she] had felt when [she] nearly drowned." (p.12) Dr. Bragdon "went from being an art student to being a Zen Buddhist Nun" (p.16) at the age of 20, and is ""not only a sensitive receiver, responding to the stimulation of others, but an organism looking for ways to express itself." (p.18) She has also undergone Neo-Reichian therapy while pursuing a life devoted to meditation so that now she "can help people to integrate their spiritual experiences with their ordinary reality, to reach levels of development beyond ego," (p.23) this is due in part to the fact that, "life and death, the archetypal opposites, had made love on [her] doorstep." (p.22)

What is in this book: "Guidance and reassurance in understanding your spiritual experiences." (p.9) The term spiritual emergency is used in this book not to describe emergencies in the sense of soul earthquakes, essence fires, or spirit floods, but rather to describe "critical points in the process of spiritual emergence" (p.15). This book has been written because people with emerging spirits may suffer from "a framework that classifies their experiences only as evidence of mental disease."(p.8) Since "intense spiritual experiences and inspired states of mind often look similar to psychosis," (p.16) and "the difference between psychosis, which is a breakdown, and spiritual emergency, which is a breakthrough, can be very subtle," (p.214) this book is necessary to let people at those critical points know that they're not going crazy.

What is not in this book: Permission to go crazy. "Psychotic states that are pathological, rather than gateways to higher functioning, are very real, and need to be treated by health professionals" (p.16). Dr. Bragdon notes that the way to tell the difference between inspired state and psychotic break is that "visual and auditory hallucinations, delusions, and inability to communicate" (p.16) are clear symptoms of psychotic behavior, and illustrates the difference by providing accounts of spiritual emergence from individuals who have heard eerie whistling noises unlike anything they have known (p.120), have had wild hawks land on them (p.146), see visions of purple orbs taking up all of space (p.95), and who are so overcome by their spiritual experiences that they don't want to communicate with those around them (p.142).

Would you recommend this book to cheerleaders? No. This book will do nothing to help for either spirit rallies or spirit week.

Would you recommend this book to either Carrot Top or Ed O'Neill? No. Spiritual emergence does not "dial down the center" when it calls, and is not interested in learning how to do so.

What was interesting about this book: The excerpts that Dr. Bragdon has included from sessions with her clients, describing their own moments of spiritual emergency. One client, "Louise," had "wanted to experiment with MDMA, a psychoactive drug, when it was still legally available [...] Since many of her patients had abused drugs, Louise wanted to try a drug "trip" once, because she felt it would help her understand her patients in more depth." (p.26) Louise states that after she began her experience with MDMA, her husband "knew that if [she] was taken to the hospital, they would give [her] antipsychotic medictaion to stop the process, so he decided to be with [her] at home."(p.26)
Also of interest is the section at the end of the book on how to help in a spiritual emergency. Of interest to those who have friends or family members undergoing a spiritual emergency, it offers helpful tips like "A woman who is mistrustful of men may be more comfortable appealing to a feminine personification of divine energy such as Kuan Yin, the goddess of compassion, than appealing to Jesus Christ or a masculine God"(p.206).