Sealing Deals with Dudes

Closing the Deal: Two Married Guys Take You from Single Miss to Wedded Bliss by Richard Kirshenbaum and Daniel Rosenberg with cartoons by Marisa Acocella Marchetto (William Morrow, 2005, ISBN: 0-06-059009-2)

This book was written by: Richard Kirshenbaum, who is co-chairman of an advertising agency, and Daniel Rosenberg, who is a film studio executive and producer. They are "just regular guys who know what speaks to other regular guys"(p.x), because "our opinions have been formed by years in fraternities, locker rooms, and of course, bachelor parties, and we can say with some accuracy that we know what men are thinking"(p.113). They also point out that "the very fact that we're not therapists, relationship counselors, doctors, or women makes us uniquely eligible to share insights that really matter"(p.x).

This book was endorsed by: Hillary Swank, who says on the back cover that "I don't know how I ever closed the deal without Closing the Deal." Ms. Swank filed for divorce in 2006.

What is in this book: A battle marriage marketing plan. "Just as an architect has a blueprint or a writer has an outline, you can create your very own marriage marketing plan [...] We'll reveal the subtleties of marriage maneuvering, thus helping you to ultimately hone your marriage marketing skills"(p.21, emphasis the authors'). This may seem cold and calculating, but "the man you get into bed with, the guy you want to father your children is, when it comes to closing the deal, the Opponent"(p.22). "While you may think that our use of the word maneuvering indicates that we're advocating subterfuge, we're not"(p.27, emphasis the authors'), although they do warn that "if you have a reputation from your vast past sexual experiences and something catches up with you, remember the following three words: deny, deny, deny"(p.119, emphasis the authors'). Mr. Kirshenbaum and Mr. Rosenberg acknowledge that "marketing marriage and yourself isn't fun, but in some ways it's a necessary evil. Like big business, it's hard work and requires practiced finesse"(p.40). Luckily, you can start at any time. "Whether you've been together for a while or are just starting to date, it's never too late to micromanage how you relay any information"(p.107).

What is not in this book: Unnecessarily complex language. The authors keep the tone conversational, noting that if you're serious about finding a husband, "we need to spend time discussing your monthly hormonal hoedown"(p.73). They also try to see the bright side in every situation, like the way that men expect women to resemble their mothers as they age. "If your mother weighs in at 290, tell him how she goes up a bra size every few years"(p.37). And when it comes to grooming your private area, "these days not a lot of men are hunters and they don't seek out the heavy bush"(p.45).

Would you recommend this book to that single coworker of yours who is just a shade past her prime—will it keep her from becoming a crazy old cat lady? No, I would recommend that she stock up on TV dinners and slankets, because it's too late for her to avoid dying alone and unloved. If she's lucky, her body will be found before the cats have had much time to gnaw on it.

Would you recommend this book to George Clooney? I would, because his character, Dr. Doug Ross, is responsible for my misunderstanding of how easy it is to get married. Dr. Ross explicitly stated that the first date is when you get a kiss goodnight, the second is when you get invited inside, and the third is when you "close the deal." This book makes closing the deal seem much more complicated, but maybe everything is simpler when you're George Clooney.

What is interesting about this book? The Bizarro-universe logic that governs the male mind. In addition to thinking of your prospective groom as an opponent, a number of other rules of engagement that you should follow run counter to common sense. "It's always important to give him the impression that, like a stock, you're selling high"(p.29), but savvy traders dump a stock that is selling high.
Nowhere in this book is the chaotic, up-is-down, black-is-white logic of the male mind illustrated more clearly than in the chapter covering "the bluff." It's a bluff because it's "the act of breaking up with your boyfriend who won't commit, yet keeping the door open should he change his mind"(p.229). "We have to stress that this doesn't mean giving ultimatums. Ultimatums are aggressive and have a tendency to put men on the defensive"(p.139). However, "bluffing is different because it's pushing the negotiation to a head: Either you're getting married or you're out of there. And you have to mean it!"(p.133) It's important to understand that the bluff is not about whether or not you'll leave him—you will. The bluff is about whether you're worth fighting for. You may not be. "Nothing will be clearer to you if soon after your bluff the locksmith van pulls up as you load your suitcase into the cab: You didn't have a winning hand"(p.134).

Satanism and Sex Education

Lessons in Depravity: Sex Education and the Sexual Revolution by E.S. Williams (Belmont House Publishing, 2003, ISBN 0-9529939-5-3)
Bonus out-takes

This book was written by:Dr. E.S. Williams, who feels that "comprehensive sex education is not only ineffective in achieving its stated objective of reducing sexual tragedies, but that it contributes to the problem"(p.10), encouraging the staging of tragedies like Stiff Hamlet, King Lear Gets Crowned, and Coriol-Anus. Dr. Williams himself is a tragic figure because his work as director of public health for Croydon Health Authority pitted him in a losing battle against the powerful sex education lobby that constantly undermined and perverted the government's efforts.
For example, "[In 1991] the sex education lobby, claiming that AIDS was the largest public health threat of the twentieth century, was being provided with large amounts of money for its ‘safer sex’ propaganda. [....Figures from 2000 show that] the epidemic predicted by the Department of Health proved to be a gross exaggeration"(p.232). The money spent to prevent an AIDS epidemic in the U.K. was completely wasted because "by the end of 1997 it was becoming clear that the threatened AIDS epidemic had fizzled out"(p.238).

What is in this book: This study, which combines the stirring and impassioned rhetoric of an IRS publication, the open-minded tolerance of Draco’s Athenian constitution, and a dedication to footnoting and citation not seen since An Analysis of Section 16 of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934^*, chronicles shocking facts about sex education efforts in the United Kingdom over the past six decades.
"While [the North Ireland sex education program(me)] Love for Life claims that its purpose is to encourage young people to delay sexual intercourse, it also believes that giving young people information about contraception and sexually transmitted diseases helps them to make an informed choice about whether or not to have sex"(p.17). As horrifying as this sounds, it gets worse. By citing a case where "the Government, using all the powers of mass media, the machinery of official-dom, the propaganda of the sex education lobby and the influence of the medical profession, had won the legal battle to provide contraceptives to children without the knowledge or consent of their parents,"(p.212) Dr. Williams provides irrefutable proof for his claim that "clearly, a key aim of the Government’s teenage sexual health strategy is to ensure that children have easy access to contraceptives and, in case of a slip-up, access to emergency contraception"(p.3-4). And if it wasn’t bad enough that "CARE [Christian Action, Research and Education] teaches that children ought to make sexual decisions on the basis of feelings generated by self esteem, rather than the certainties taught by biblical morality,"(p.291) it turns out that "the IPPF [International Planned Parenthood Federation], the organization set up to promote the ideology of Margaret Sanger, advocates that sex education, family planning and legal abortion should be accepted as human rights"(p.241). Naturally, this must all be stopped.

_{*Clearly, using footnotes is serious business. Dr. Williams has forgone footnotes in favor of endnotes, but he uses 1,033 of them, at an average of 49 endnotes per chapter, or 3 references per page.}

What is not in this book: How-to lessons on quad barebacking, inverse horseplay, or 'the split canoe' (which, in the U.S., is a felony in 32 states). This book manages to report on the lessons in depravity taught to defenseless schoolchildren without going into detailed descriptions. Dr. Williams refrains from duplicating the graphic offenses present in sex education materials because "Christian believers do not indulge in lewd and indecent language. The sex talk promoted by sex education is completely unacceptable"(p.249).
Dr. Williams also notes that "it is not difficult to see the similarity between the Canaanites and the modern day sex educators. Both are amoral, both have deified sex and both are devotees of depraved sexual practices"(p.254), specifically mentioning that people accused the Canaanites of doing detestable things, and "the detestable things included human sacrifice, demonism, homosexuality, lesbianism and incest"(p.253).
Dr. Williams maintains his restrained, sober approach for this subject because "it is vitally important for men, women and children to avoid anything that may arouse sexual lust"(p.262). Despite this self-censorship, the study remains coherent and informative. It describes how "the sex education lobby was raving about [the book] Make it Happy, [but] others were disturbed by the amoral advice that was being given to young people. George Gardiner (MP) said it was enough to make parents’ hair stand on end, and Ronald Butt described it as the filthiest sex education book he had seen"(p.175). When it comes to filthy, we don’t second-guess the opinion of Mr. Butt.

Would you recommend this book to a pack of unruly chavs? Normally, I’d say hell no, slap an ASBO on those hooligans and let prison sort them out. However, the nation’s youth need to learn that they face danger from radicals like Alfred Kinsey, who "vigorously promoted, juggling his figures to do so, a hedonistic, animalistic conception of sexual behaviour, while at the same time he consistently denounced all biblical and conventional conceptions of sexual behaviour"(p.81). "It is clear that Kinsey was not an objective scientist, as he claimed, but a dedicated sex revolutionary,"(p.90) and we cannot let children be subverted by revolutionaries like him or like H.G. Wells, who "was a persistent advocate of an almost completely amoral freedom"(p.67).

Would you recommend this book to Queen Victoria? Yes. Dr. Williams admires the morals of the Victorian era, and her royal highness would agree with his remark that "the woman who displays herself is foolish for she is attracting men for all the wrong reasons"(p.256). She would also want to do something about the ways that sex educators were trying to overcome "the innate, God-given, emotional response of embarrassment that has the function of protecting against sexual indecency"(p.261). In fact, "this is why sex education has developed techniques for overcoming embarrassment [.... so that] sex educators, with their desensitized children, can plummet the depths of depravity in the name of ‘safer sex’"(p.261).
Once that protective embarrassment is out of the way, sexual revolutionaries are "teaching young people in a climate that encourages promiscuity and homosexuality"(p.31) where "boys, in their fantasy life, imagine that girls really do want to have sex"(p.262). This is a terrible thing because "a chivalrous man understands that for a woman there is no such thing as casual sex, for she bears the awful responsibility of conceiving a new life and all that that involves"(p.259).

What was interesting about this book? Teenage pregnancy rates are alarmingly high in the United Kingdom. The Daily Mail—an unbiased news source not given to reactionary conservativism—recently reported on the failure of an experimental sex education program and profiled a girl who had 4 abortions by the age of 16, behavior which we must assume is typical of the average British teenager. It is proof that "sex education is one of the devil’s cunning schemes we are warned about in the sixth chapter of the Ephesians"(p.310).
More than satanic schemes, "it is arguable that the explicit images of sex education are, in reality, part of a modern phallic cult that worships at the shrine of sexual gratification. The explicit images are designed to inflame the imagination, and make young men and women burn with lust"(p.263). Fortunately, Dr. Williams shows that we can fight these cultists with Christian virtues. "Christian sexual conduct is expressed in the four virtues—modesty, chivalry, chastity, and fidelity [....] these are the Christian virtues that guard children from danger and abuse—they provide children with God-given security, protecting them from the ravages that result from sexual immorality"(p.250).
As Dr. Williams says, "it is the responsibility of all parents, Christian and non-Christian alike, to teach their children a moral framework on which to base their lives, and this is especially true when it comes to sexual conduct"(p.307), which is why we need to dismantle existing sex education programs and go back to the days when the youth of Britain learned about sex from "Benny Hill" episodes and Viz comics.

With his biblical views on sex education, some may dismiss Dr. Williams as crazy. But he's crazy like a FOX. No, crazy like three foxes—on a meth binge—that have made a rudimentary catapult out of a fire extinguisher and some old tires that they’ll use to launch a family of snapping turtles duct-taped to a cinderblock as a distraction so that they can sneak in the back of a drugstore to steal cold medicine so they can make more meth.

The Guilty Teacher

Guilt is the Teacher, Love is the Lesson: A Book to Heal You, Heart and Soul by Joan Borysenko, PhD (Warner Books, 1990, ISBN 0-446-51465-9)

This book was written by: Joan Borysenko, PhD, a therapist who says that she "had sometimes used powerful mind/body techniques to permit me to do too much and run too fast [....] removing the fail-safe mechanisms that nature had provided"(p. 3). Without the fail-safe mechanisms, she got into a car accident where "my nose had been literally destroyed—opened like the hood of a car and nearly torn off my face—when my shoulder harness failed to catch"(p.2). Dr. Borysenko is also the author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind, a reference source so valuable that it is cited on pages 11, 13, 55, 76, 99, 102, 131, 140, 174, and 178.

What is in this book: An examination of the healing power of guilt, an often misunderstood force that can move mountains and cause festering sores. Actually, herpes causes festering sores, but guilt can shape those sores into forms that are personally meaningful for us, as was the case with "Peter, a forty-five-year-old patient [...] with recurrent herpes lesions on the buttocks"(p.123). Peter was abused as a child in a strict and religious household, and "when Peter caught herpes as the result of an extramarital affair, his reasonable healthy guilt was overshadowed by unreasonable religious guilt [....] He was sure that the herpes was a punishment for his sins. And his body produced an amazing demonstration—breaking out in herpes lesions that mimicked the pattern of his original beatings, a recall of the original psychospiritual trauma"(p.124).

What is not in this book: New Age claptrap. "Enormous misconceptions and oversimplifications have arisen in New Age thinking,"(p.149) and ideas like the Law of Attraction are actually "a warmed-over version of Western spiritual pessimism"(p.150). This spiritual pessimism prevents us from learning valuable lessons by trying to heal our guilt. "To commit ourselves to healing our guilt is to seek, find, and celebrate our essential humanity in a world that too often seems to be a place of purposeless suffering"(p.6). Once we discover our true nature, we get to yell at retards.
"I once had a Christian spiritual teacher who helped us understand humility through a conversation with a slightly retarded member of our congregation named Mike"(p.188). This teacher "turned" on Mike "with surprising force" and accused him of being full of himself. Then the teacher explained to Mike that "when you complain about not being smart, you are turning down your own unique, God-given place in the scheme of things, and that’s downright egotistical!"(p.188)

Would you recommend this book to a Jewish Mother? Yes, even though they already know that "shame is the master emotion" and that "shame is an adaptive, submissive state that favors survival but creates fear and helplessness"(p.67). This book can show them how to more effectively wield both guilt and shame, which they do out of love. (We’ll thank them for it later.)

Would you recommend this book to Lieutenant Marion "Cobra" Cobretti? No, he only wants to teach you that crime is a disease, and he is the cure.

What was interesting about this book? Dr. Borysenko’s in-depth examination of human nature caused me to re-examine some of my prejudices. I was particularly moved by her story of how "my husband, Myrin, and I had a dispute with our landlord and his wife, who seemed to distrust us on the basis of our long hair [....] The landlords told the judge that our pet guinea pig, 'Squeaky,' was part of a fictitious rabbit colony kept in the cellar by 'two crazy medical scientists' for experimental purposes!"(p.147)
Not wanting to repeat the mistakes of Dr. Borysenko’s landlord, I have realized that it’s okay to trust women with long hair. I’m still wary of women with short hair, though. They look too dykey.

Special Award: Bitterly Books would like to present Dr. Borysenko with the Rachel Ray–Hannibal Lecter Fantasy Award for the Furtherance of Knowledge in the Fields of Sandwichcraft and/or Manslaughter for describing her vivid dream:

In the dream, my mother and I are floating on a raft in the deep end of a large swimming pool. I swim to the other end where several old women are gathered. One is in her nineties and is obviously a woman of great spiritual wisdom. I want to introduce her to my mother so she can share her wisdom with us so I excitedly swim back to the raft to tell my mother. By the time I get back to the wisdom woman, I find her lying close to death by the edge of the pool. Her chest has been opened and the meat carved off like the breast of a turkey. The other women in the pool are eating sandwiches of her meat. I am incensed, disappointed, and bewildered. "Why didn’t you open a can of tunafish?" I scream. "We prefer cold turkey sandwiches" is the terse answer.(p.108)

(Note: This award should not be considered as any type of endorsement, condonment, or approval from—and is not offered in collaboration with—either Rachel Ray or Hannibal Lecter.)

Second Lives and Second Jobs

The Entrepreneur's Guide to Second Life: Making Money in the Metaverse by Daniel Terdiman (Wiley Publishing, 2007, ISBN 978-0-470-17914-7)

This book was written by: Daniel Terdiman, a journalist and second life enthusiast. It was a bold step for Mr. Terdiman to write a book about making money in a world where "economic activity is conducted in a make-believe currency which, though it can be directly converted to hard currency, is definitely not legal tender"(p.10), especially considering his declaration that "I've never been a successful Second Life entrepreneur." But you don't have to be a successful parent to tell other people how to raise their kids.

What is in this book: A guide to the business side of Second Life, an online computer environment that is "not a game. After all, it doesn't have a goal"(p.141), but it does have "very visible subcommunities whose members walk around chained to each other or dressed like dragons or who may be having sex in a public place"(p.143). Mr. Terdiman walks readers through some of the largest market segments in this world that is "beset by seemingly never-ending bugs, crashes, rolling restarts, user-interface problems, and many other issues"(p.264), discussing the resources available and skills needed for entrepreneurs looking to start businesses in some of the most popular industries catering to Second Life residents—including the sex industry.
While there is a rule prohibiting "'age play,' defined somewhat broadly as sexual behavior between two or more residents in which at least one is using what appears to be a child avatar and the other is using an adult avatar"(p.162), (which means that everything Law & Order: SVU taught me WAS A LIE), there is detailed information on other opportunities in the adult services industry including sex fasion, sex clubs, sex animations, and sex furniture. For example, "escorts can earn from US$3 to US$14 in an hour. Again, over time, and with volume, it adds up pretty quickly"(p.17), or you can sell "a wide range of penises and vaginas in various sizes and levels of functionality and complexity"(p.165), and "there's also fashion for all kinds of specific subcommunities, like furries"(p.16).
Other chapters cover topics such land sales and construction, but they don't have phrases like "people whose job it is to manage the escorts,"(p.166) which is nicest way of writing "pimps"(p.167) that I have ever seen.

What is not in this book: Instructions on how to get rich by teaching people how to make money in Second Life. That's a shame, since telling people to come up with new ideas sounds a lot easier than coming up with the ideas themselves, especially when considering the market's relaxed attitude towards intellectual property laws—as illustrated by Terdiman himself. "As a small, relatively unknown DJ in Second Life, you could probably get away with not paying royalties because you almost certainly wouldn't get caught"(p.214). It's equally tough to catch people stealing from you, "in much the same way that a store in real life could be broken into. The best defense? Keep coming up with ideas"(p.19), which you have to do anyway because "you have to find ways to make your business and your products or services stand out"(p.68). In a world where public dragon sex is the norm, you've got to take it one step further. "If all you do is create a new kind of sex bed, you're just one more entrant in the vast sex-bed market, and you'll find it that much harder to set yourself apart"(p.181).

Would you recommend this book to P.T. Barnum? Yes, because there's a sucker born Second Life resident signed up every minute, despite the fact that "Second Life uses a huge amount of your computing power, and even in the best-case scenario, with the fastest computer, the most memory, the fattest Internet pipe, and so forth, you're still looking at software that is waiting for hardware to catch up"(p.22). Considering these new arrivals, "some might worry that so many extra people coming into the virtual world might erode the opportunities to make money, but I see the reality as just the opposite: the more people there are, the more potential customers"(p.iv).

Would you recommend this book to John Smith? Yes. I know he's upset that he won't gain notoriety through his financial exploits because his name is not a distinctive one, like Branson, Murdoch, or Trump, but Second Life will let him use a new name that more clearly reflects his business acumen. He can follow the examples set by Second Life heavyweights such as Munchflower Zauis (p.73), Wynx Whiplash (p.199), Fallingwater Cellardoor (p.75), Alphazero Sugar (p.189), and Stroker Serpentine (p.171). In fact, I'm starting a business with my avatar, Weeaboo Hazington XIV. I expect great things from him.

What was interesting about this book? No discussion of the Second Life financial landscape would be complete without mentioning the scandal that ensued when some of the largest Second Life banks were exposed as Ponzi schemes, triggering Linden Lab to impose a ban on all virtual banks. While the book's publication schedule made it difficult to include that information, Mr. Terdiman points out that "some would say that Second Life's economy is actually more stable than that of any new country"(p.4), an argument that has merit when you consider that the "F" rating from the Better Business Bureau was actually given to Linden Lab and not to Second Life itself.
These days, "there is great opportunity for new businesses, and for more people to make money in Second Life than ever before"(p.264), even in a tough economic climate. Every large Second Life–based business that fails spectacularly is good news for new entrepreneurs, because it means someone else can step in to fill the niche. "Indeed, nearly everywhere you turn in Second Life there are signs of the strength of the economy: stores of all kinds are ubiquitous, the number of private sims is skyrocketing, and week in and week out, residents of the virtual world are trading millions of US dollars' worth of goods"(p.264).

Communicating with Orcas' Reproductive Organs

Communicating with Orcas: The Whales' Perspective by Mary Getten (Hampton Roads Publishing, 2006, ISBN: 1-57174-466-5)

This book was written by: Mary J. Getten, who interviewed a number of whales with the help of her friend, Raphaela. Raphaela and Ms. Getten communicate with the whales telepathically, which is not unusual because "all humans are born with this ability, but in the 'civilized' world we have lost these skills through socialization"(p.35). Statements made by the whales are in italics, and Getten notes that "everything in this book is true," even though "I have taken some liberties with the order of these conversations, and who said what to whom, but the words remain intact"(p.ix). It's just like the time I told a police officer that he was under arrest for disorderly conduct, and he called me a stinking fascist and screamed at me to waddle my filthy pig ass back to the donut shop.

What is in this book: Whale penis. Actually, "in the business [...] a whale's penis is known as a sea snake"(p.79). A whale wang sea snake is "prominent and easily seen, [but] it can be floppy when distended."(p.83). "A sea snake is about six feet long and six inches across, if you can imagine"(p.79), and most visible when "males roll at the surface with their penises extended"(p.90). However, it's difficult to tell when whales are mating. "If you're lucky you glimpse an erect penis flailing above the water, but that's about it"(p.81)
Ms. Getten is an avid student of marine biology, noting that a sea snake is "an absolutely awesome sight!"(p.79) Unfortunately, not all of her whale-(penis-)watching trips yield results, and at one point she complains that "it's not fair, Granny. I went out on over a hundred trips this year and never saw any action"(p.82), lamenting the fact that "I didn't see any [sea snakes] this summer, that's why I'm complaining"(p.79). Ms. Getten also relates an anecdote where a passenger on her whale watching boat said she saw a set of snakes "flopping around so much I was afraid I was going to get hit by one," and Ms. Getten earnestly states "I would have given anything to be hit by one"(p.90).

What not in this book? Whale rape, statutory or otherwise. Yes, whales are "fascinated by the sound frequency emitted by screaming girls"(p.74), and when questioned about it, one of the whales explains that "I enjoy their growth and visit them in their dreams"(p.75). Getten writes that "I didn't like the way this conversation was going. Frankly, it was a bit too creepy for me"(p.75), but it could have been worse. It's not like whales are building secret torture pens in their basements, and it's nothing like the video Ms. Getten watched that "showed very aggressive male dolphins working together to gang-rape females"(p.89).

Would you recommend this book to Fox Mulder? Yes. Not only is the truth out there, it has been loitering in our harbors and clogging our commercial fishing equipment for some time now. Ms. Getten "saw harbor porpoises traveling through outer space!"(p.143) Porpoises are taking to the stars because "they are not originally from this planet. They have fulfilled their time here."(p.143).

Would you recommend this book to a member of the International Whaling Commission? Yes, but it might not be exceptionally helpful. Although readers of the book can gain an increased understanding of the whales' perspective, the whales never explain why they're so delicious.
I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Killing and eating marine mammals is just gratuitous cruelty—unless you're talking about spacefaring porpoises, because they're totally asking for it:

The battering continued for several minutes. The poor porpoise was struck again and again, and then finally an orca surfaced with the porpoise lying crossways in her mouth. She and the others dove down and did not reappear for five minutes. We never saw that porpoise again.
[....]
"Do the resident whales ever eat porpoises?"
"Yes, they are quick. This is not a staple, not something that we do every day, but it does happen from time to time. We ask them, and they offer."(p.69)

Would you bone Jesus? Inquiring whales want to know, "What if your Jesus came to earth? [....]Would you feel entirely comfortable having sex with him?"(p.183) I think that leaving the son of god with blue balls must be some kind of sin, but I'd need at least a few boxes of wine and some Marvin Gaye records before I could give him a happy ending.

What was interesting about this book? It is remarkably difficult to get a whale pissed off. Noisy boats? "We get relief at night. We adapt, as you do"(p.32). Their brothers and sisters taken captive and penned in small tanks? "These beings are heroic. Some came into captive bodies with the intent of working with scientists and researchers"(p.181). Pollution the ocean that kills them along with all the other sea life? "This is not doom, our deaths. [...] Our deaths are no different from a human's heart having an attack, signaling that care of the body needs to change"(p.249). Overall, "I find these whales to be incredibly tolerant"(p.32).

Dilbert Is No Laughing Matter

The Trouble With Dilbert: How Corporate Culture Gets the Last Laugh by Norman Solomon (Common Courage Press, 1997, ISBN: 1-56751-132-5)

This book is written by: Norman Solomon, a journalist and media critic who is known for speaking out against the illusion and doublespeak that shrouds the most sinister actions of the power elite. Solomon needed to write this book because "mesmerized with the sparkle of satire, many [Dilbert] readers have simply assumed way too much"(p.16), and he has come forward to speak the truth in a world where "the cyber-jargon and cyber-technology now pushing each other forward are symbols of how sour the dream of progress has turned; today's computerized office is a curdled replication of yesterday"(p.96).

What is in this book: Lobsters at Nuremberg. Dilbert's creator, Scott Adams, "resembles a lobster who has crawled out of the restaurant tank and now sits at the table, napkin in lap, satirizing the spectacle of creatures climbing all over one another"(p.98). I cannot begin to describe how much I hate it when lobsters do that, but that's beside the point. There's a war on, and if you're not smashing lobster tanks and sticking it to the man, then you're part of the problem.
"The cartoonish Dilbert symbols […] have been conscripted as troops in a never-ending war: to mobilize employees for the corporate quest to enlarge the profit margin"(p.29). The Man may know that "the marketplace wars cannot be fought effectively with corporate soldiers lined up like redcoats"(p.76), but that won't stop him from fighting. "Thus are the arsenals of confusion stockpiled and fired, laying siege to our own futures—until, as Jimi Hendrix anticipated, 'the life that led us is dead'"(p.36).

What is not in this book? The terrible truth about what horrific projects Dilbert's company is really working on. Solomon cites a Dilbert strip from 1994 that explicitly states that they are working on missile guidance chips, but:

maybe Dilbert and his colleagues are working on management software for a global web of apparel factories in places like Honduras and Vietnam and Indonesia, where sweatshops provide optimum profit margins. Or perhaps they're getting the bugs out of nuclear-reactor software. Or complex public-relations algorithms for a firm that dumps toxic chemicals in areas where poor people live(pp.87-88).

This sounds scary at first, until you learn that the management software is going to allow a company with humane labor practices to remain competitive with their less-ethical peers in those regions, and the nuclear reactor is a Generation IV project designed to reduce dependence on fossil fuels. While the algorithm is both troubling and sinister (as are all algorithms, especially public-relations algorithms), some glory-hungry trial lawyers have already brought a class-action lawsuit against the firm.

Would you recommend this book to the kind of sub-literate, knuckle-dragging corporate wage slaves that are enthralled by Dilbert? Yes. They need to know that "the man behind the cartoon has little solidarity for the multitudes of Dilbert fans"(p.8). Hell, you need to know it. "His depictions of the obnoxious and the asinine plainly apply to the jerks who try our patience and waste our precious time because they're so dumb—and, even worse, because they're our co-workers or even our supervisors. Later it might dawn on us that we fall within his big circle of disdain"(p.52).
Then again, it might never dawn on us. "The Dilbert tenor is often contemptuous of garden variety people—mockingly dubbed 'induhviduals'," but "Adams confers special dispensation on those who read Dilbert books, of course; their wisdom is attained by willingness to fork over money in his direction. As a clever marketer, Adams recognizes that the paying customers must be kept out of his nonstop line of fire"(p.51). Don't you get it? Dilbert's creator thinks you're dumb, and you're too stupid to realize it! Thank god this book is here to point out your ignorance. Better yet, thank god Tom Tomorrow's introduction to this book sums up more than 90 pages of Solomon's arguments in a single panel:

Would you recommend this book to Heidi Fleiss? I would actually like to have seen her write portions of this book due to the unique insights she could offer. "Dilbert marketing ventures may seem like logical business transactions. But that's because more impressive talents have so often undergone prostitution in recent decades"(p.67) and I'm sure she has a lot to say about prostituting impressive talents. She'd probably also add that while "a clever satire of inefficiency can go where no whip-cracking is able to penetrate"(p.39) it's a lot easier to find a hooker who can crack a whip, and penetration is overrated.

What was interesting about this book? Although "Scott Adams is an impish yet loyal subject, a court jester who has proven his eagerness to serve the royal highness in a land where cash is king"(p.34), this is no laughing matter. Okay, maybe it is, because "in this court of 'higher immorality,' Dilbert is a jester who elicits some chuckles while kissing the sovereigns and nodding to the corporate throne"(p.86), and what is a jester besides a clown with a good agent and a decent tailor? And who doesn't like clowns? Okay, who doesn't like clowns besides people who are afraid of clowns? Right, I should rephrase that. Who doesn't like clowns besides people who are afraid of clowns and everyone over the age of 8?

Special Award
For its relentless, scathing criticism of Scott Adams and his work, Bitterly Books would like to confer upon The Trouble with Dilbert the "Oh, Snap!" Shirley Hemphill Award for Sassy Put-Downs. Originally, one quote was going to be singled out as the most brutal:

"Dilbert may be 'antiboss.' But so is Blondie."(p.37)

But Solomon really throws down the gauntlet several times through the course of his work:

"Dilbert is among a wide range of products acclaimed for their high jumps over low standards."(p.35)

I wouldn’t want to be Scott Adams when he reads this sentence:

"Dilbert flourishes in the context of mass culture that shores up the status quo by defining the tepid outer boundaries of dissent."(p.13)

But really, if you only take one put-down away from this book, it would have to be this pithy zinger:

Adams pursues a mass audience while repeatedly striving to flatter it as distinct from the mass audience of 'Induhviduals.' He lampoons commercial charlatanism while implementing his own brand for maximum return.(pp.66-67)

Oh, Snap!